Internet Horror Stories

The Internet was invented as a weapon of war, a communications network that could survive a nuclear attack. It was almost immediately transformed to serve Man's other great pursuit: Cruising for poontang. Today, a young girl can not log on without being innundated with scores of horny guys using the latest in digital technology to hit on her, talk dirty to her, and, yes, offer to pay her for sex.

The following is a true transcript of what happens when an instant-messaging proposition goes horribly wrong.

Guy: you are SOOO cute. would you be up for an adventure?

Guy: a crazy question for you--ever fantasize about being paid to play?

Girl: Maybe, lol. Probably.

Guy: Well, thats a start. im totally serious about this. The idea is a huge turn on. if i found the right girl. would you consider yrself wild?

Guy: Hello?

Guy: hmmm, i scare you off? were you kidding? it could be fun.

Guy: what if i paid you 300 just to eat you out? : )

[Girl goes to other room, gets CORPORATE MOTHERFUCKER staff writer Tristan Trout. Trout takes over the keyboard.]

Guy: guess you were just playing around. ah well, too bad. you sounded cool, and are very cute.

"Girl": Thank you. . . Your proposal is very interesting. I need a pic though. . . a couple, actually.

Guy: so yre maybe intrigued by this idea of being paid??

"Girl": So, wait a minute... why should I pay you $300 to go down on me? With a little tuna, my cats will do it for free!

Guy: no, no, sweetie, i pay YOU 300...

"Girl": OK, is that 300 American or Canadian? Because last time, some fucking Canuck tried to go down on me, and his fucking fur hat gave me a rash!!!! I think we should nuke Toronto. You don't like hockey, do you?!?!

Guy: nah, not into hockey, and if not nuking, i do think we should at least invade them. free ice for the US. american money.

"Girl": OK, $300 is good money. I can get like, five, maybe six good hits of crack for that.

Guy: serious?

"Girl": I really have to ask you, why don't you have a head shot up on your profile? And did you get the body shot from the April, 1998 issue of Playgirl? 'cuz it looks familiar. Are you hideously disfigured? Are you the Elephant Man? Or that guy from "Mask"? (I think his name was "Cher.") I've always wanted to fuck a celebrity! My dad dressing up like Santa Claus doesn't count.

Guy: no, but you can call me daddy

"Girl": By the way, you don't mind that my pussy smells kinda funny, right? I've had this awful yeast infection, and loaves of bread keep dropping out. Raisin challah, to be exact. Except the raisins are really genital warts.

Guy: hmmm, yre scaring me.

"Girl": Don't be scared, honey. I'm really a nice girl. Right now, I'm pinching my nipples and thinking of you. I mean, I'm thinking of you because you're IMing me. I'm pinching my nipples to get the darn chewing gum off.

Guy: ?

"Girl": Why are you always online, anyway? Are you an elderly shut-in? Are you ill or disabled? If you are, will Medicare cover the $300 in sympathy cunt-licking? I also take food stamps.

"Girl": Hello?

Share an Internet horror story? Mail editor@corporatemofo.com.

Posted January 1, 2002 4:43 PM


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			Internet Horror Stories by Tristan Trout
			The Internet was invented as a weapon of war, a communications network that could survive a nuclear attack. It was almost immediately transformed to serve Man's other great pursuit: Cruising for poontang. Today, a young girl can not log on without being innundated with scores of horny guys using the latest in digital technology to hit on her, talk dirty to her, and, yes, offer to pay her for sex. The following is a true transcript of what happens when an instant-messaging proposition goes horribly wrong. Guy: you are SOOO cute. would you be up for an adventure? Guy: a crazy question for you--ever fantasize about being paid to play? Girl: Maybe, lol. Probably. Guy: Well, thats a start. im totally serious about this. The idea is a huge turn on. if i found the right girl. would you consider yrself wild? Guy: Hello? Guy: hmmm, i scare you off? were you kidding? it could be fun. Guy: what if i paid you 300 just to eat you out? : ) *[Girl goes to other room, gets CORPORATE MOTHERFUCKER staff writer Tristan Trout. Trout takes over the keyboard.]* Guy: guess you were just playing around. ah well, too bad. you sounded cool, and are very cute. "Girl": Thank you. . . Your proposal is very interesting. I need a pic though. . . a couple, actually. Guy: so yre maybe intrigued by this idea of being paid?? "Girl": So, wait a minute... why should I pay you $300 to go down on me? With a little tuna, my cats will do it for free! Guy: no, no, sweetie, i pay YOU 300... "Girl": OK, is that 300 American or Canadian? Because last time, some fucking Canuck tried to go down on me, and his fucking fur hat gave me a rash!!!! I think we should nuke Toronto. You don't like hockey, do you?!?! Guy: nah, not into hockey, and if not nuking, i do think we should at least invade them. free ice for the US. american money. "Girl": OK, $300 is good money. I can get like, five, maybe six good hits of crack for that. Guy: serious? "Girl": I really have to ask you, why don't you have a head shot up on your profile? And did you get the body shot from the April, 1998 issue of Playgirl? 'cuz it looks familiar. Are you hideously disfigured? Are you the Elephant Man? Or that guy from "Mask"? (I think his name was "Cher.") I've always wanted to fuck a celebrity! My dad dressing up like Santa Claus doesn't count. Guy: no, but you can call me daddy "Girl": By the way, you don't mind that my pussy smells kinda funny, right? I've had this awful yeast infection, and loaves of bread keep dropping out. Raisin challah, to be exact. Except the raisins are really genital warts. Guy: hmmm, yre scaring me. "Girl": Don't be scared, honey. I'm really a nice girl. Right now, I'm pinching my nipples and thinking of you. I mean, I'm thinking of you because you're IMing me. I'm pinching my nipples to get the darn chewing gum off. Guy: ? "Girl": Why are you always online, anyway? Are you an elderly shut-in? Are you ill or disabled? If you are, will Medicare cover the $300 in sympathy cunt-licking? I also take food stamps. "Girl": Hello? "Girl": Hello? Share an Internet horror story? Mail editor@corporatemofo.com. Posted January 1, 2002 4:43 PM Backtalk Name: Email Address: Comments:
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