Non-Commercial Valentine's Day Suggestion #2: Plant a tree as a symbol of your love. When she leaves you, chop it down and burn it. Or (if dating a goth chick), steal flowers from a graveyard.

Non-Commercial Valentine's Day Suggestion #3: Go for a walk on the beach. Draw your initials in a big heart in the sand. Think about, just as the tide erases your writing, so, too, will time make your loved one sag and wither, until all that remains of your love is side-by-side tombstones.

Non-Commercial Valentine's Day Suggestion #4: Check into a romantic bed and breakfast. Wonder why you're paying so much money for atmosphere. Wonder how many couples fucked on those sheets you're using. Wonder how many are still together.

Non-Commercial Valentine's Day Suggestion #5: Instead of going out to an expensive restaurant, cook your new squeeze dinner. Spend the evening wondering if they think you're being romantic or cheap.

Non-Commercial Valentine's Day Suggestion #6: (Men) Pull out your guitar and serenade your sweetie. Make sure it's Frank Zappa's "Jewish Princess." Especially if she's Episcopalian. (If she's Catholic, play "Catholic Girls.")

Non-Commercial Valentine's Day Suggestion #7: (Women) Give him a full-body massage. Mentally note how much of a beer gut he's gained since you've met, and how much smaller it makes his penis look. Compare his ass with Richard Gere's.

Non-Commercial Valentine's Day Suggestion #8: Diamonds last forever. For more short-term relationships, we recommend cubic zirconium.

Non-Commercial Valentine's Day Suggestion #9: Herpes: The Gift That Keeps on Giving.

Non-Commercial Valentine's Day Suggestion #10: Admit that if you have to bribe someone to be with you, your life is generally pathetic, break down, and get a call girl.