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Valentine's Day Suggestion #1:
Make a video showing your Significant Other how you love them. As
a special "surprise," hide a digital video camera in the
closet while you fuck. If he/she doesn't like the present, send
it to Stile.
Stile appreciates that sort of thing.
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Valentine's Day Suggestion #2: Plant a tree as a symbol of your
love. When she leaves you, chop it down and burn it. Or (if dating
a goth
chick), steal flowers from a graveyard.
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Valentine's Day Suggestion #3: Go for a walk on the beach. Draw
your initials in a big heart in the sand. Think about, just as the
tide erases your writing, so, too, will time make your loved one
sag and wither, until all that remains of your love is side-by-side
tombstones.
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Valentine's Day Suggestion #4: Check into a romantic bed and
breakfast. Wonder why you're paying so much money for atmosphere.
Wonder how many couples fucked on those sheets you're using. Wonder
how many are still together.
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Valentine's Day Suggestion #5: Instead of going out to an expensive
restaurant, cook your new squeeze dinner. Spend the evening wondering
if they think you're being romantic or cheap.
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Valentine's Day Suggestion #6: (Men) Pull out your guitar and
serenade your sweetie. Make sure it's Frank Zappa's "Jewish
Princess." Especially if she's Episcopalian. (If
she's Catholic, play "Catholic Girls.")
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Valentine's Day Suggestion #7: (Women) Give him a full-body
massage. Mentally note how much of a beer gut he's gained since
you've met, and how much smaller it makes his penis look. Compare
his ass with Richard Gere's.
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Valentine's Day Suggestion #8: Diamonds last forever. For more
short-term relationships, we recommend cubic
zirconium.
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Valentine's Day Suggestion #9: Herpes:
The Gift That Keeps on Giving.
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Valentine's Day Suggestion #10: Admit that if you have to bribe
someone to be with you, your life is generally pathetic, break down,
and get a call girl.