When Ordering:

1. Speak clearly. Preferably in a language that we both understand, like English or Spanglish or Klingon.

2. Don't order something if you can't pronounce it. I once spent almost 10 minutes on the phone with a guy who didn't know how to pronounce "jalapeños."

3. Much as with phone sex, don't start blurting out what you want. Let the insider guide you through the call. In many cases, we need to take down your phone number, address, form of payment, blood type, and sexual history before we can commence with the cheesy goodness.

4. Try not to be drunk/stoned/high when you call, unless you have the courtesy of offering me some of it when I get there. Also, please bear in mind that there is nothing at all magical about the "shrooms" on our pizza.

6. Yes, there are certain parts of town where delivery is restricted. Don't play the race card. Don't call the local chapter of the NAACP, Rainbow/PUSH, or Islamic Jihad. It has nothing to do with race, religion, or color. It has to with the fact that your neighborhood is infested with crack whores. If you would like to get pizza delivery, I suggest you begin by cleaning up the place, preferably with a 12-gauge shotgun.

When the driver arrives:

1. As Neil Diamond sang, turn on your porch light. So what if the last rape/robbery/murder/homoerotic sodomization in your neighbourhood last occured in 1952, I don't want to break my neck coming up your front steps.

2. Tip your driver. A driver is the factotum of the pizza industry. Not only does he transport your pizza, he may have taken your order or even helped make it. If you don't want him to add some "special sauce," too, show some generosity, ya cheapskate.

3. Don't be a jerk. Even if the order is late. Despie what Uncle Enzo and the Protestant work ethic would have you believe, a late order is almost never the driver's fault. The number one reason for late orders is staffing. There are simply not enough drivers to get all the orders out the door quickly. Due to security concerns, most pizza places very rarely take more than two orders on a delivery run. All it takes is one phone call to my supervisor to tell him about how much of an ass you were, and you'll never get pizza from us again.

4. Don't invite me inside. Even if it's raining nuclear missiles out. This is another security concern, as well as a liability issue.
We would love to sit down and chit-chat about your father-in-law's gallbladder surgery or the size and consistency of your bowel movements, but we have other business to take care of and deliveries to make. The delivery sequence should go like this: I give you pizza, you give me money and tip, I say "Thanks and enjoy" and get the hell out. Think of the transaction as a five-dollar blowjob at the truck stop, not a cocaine-fueled all-nighter with a couple of underage Manhattan call girls.

5. Pizza delivery time is a bad time to have sex. I quote Joe Friday from the film Dragnet. "There are two things that differentiate the human species from animals. One: we use cutlery. Two: we are capable of controlling our sexual urges. Now you might be a notable exception, but don't drag me into your private hell." If you absolutely cannot control yourself, please at least have the courtesy to invite me to join in.

6. Pizza delivery time is a bad time to assault your husband, wife, children, pet poodle, plot the violent overthrow of the United States Government, or suffer a massive heart attack. I can and will call (and have called) the local constabulary, paramedics, child welfare services, the humane society, and the Department of Homeland Security. Not that I'd want to get involved anyway.

7. Try not to be drunk/stoned/high when I arrive. Those under the influence have great difficulty counting dollar bills/writing checks/signing credit card slips. Not that you have the intellectual prowess to do this when you are sober.

8. I don't give a good goddamn how many times you have ordered from us. We now require a valid driver's license number and two telephone numbers on EVERY check! I sure don't give a crap about your credit rating either. A new law here in Tennessee states that someone who cashes a forged check could be just as liable as the person who wrote it.

9. I am not an asshole. Pizza delivery guys aren't assholes. And we really do want your business. More business means more income for us. Follow these simple tips and your pizza ordering experience will go much smoother, usually in thirty minutes or less. Don't follow these tips, and, well the wrath of the pizza guy can be a frightening thing.

Extra spooge, anyone?