to jump on a bandwagon, I felt the need to write a "list."
You know the kindyou see 'em on half of the damn magazine
covers nowadays, and, Jesus, if it weren't for "lists"
VH1 might've gone off the air years ago. But what kind of list would
I write? Best Guitarists of All Time? Best Albums of All Time? Best
Jon Bon Jovi hair style?
it hit me. You see, I love to watch the high and mighty fall on
their face. When I heard Roy of Seigfried and Roy got his throat
torn open by a big kitty cat, I laughed my white ass off. There
is simply nothing finer than to revel in the failure of those who
have a seven figure salary. Always remember that, children.
love music, I love albums, I love bands. So I decided to combine
the two and I turned this out. Think of it as a warning, a little
sign post to turn you away from bullshit music.
Neil Young's a great songwriter? Well, he is. Sometimes. Think Lou
Reed turns out flawless albums? He does . . . When they don't suck.
before everybody starts storming my house with pitchforks and torches,
let me explain something. First, these are my opinions. If you really
don't think these albums suck, or that the following artists can
do no wrong, please, by all means, drop some ducats from your paycheck
and listen to 'em. But don't say I didn't warn you. Second, every
artist or group who has been in the industry for a long time is
going to put out something terrible eventually. It's just the law
of the land. Happens to the best of them. If Hendrix didn't decide
to gargle on his own puke one night, rest assured he might've wound
for clairity, you're not going to find, Britney Spears or Menudo
on here. This is a list reserved for the "gods" of music,
not Top 40 pop-whores. We understand that Britney and Justin and
Avril and who-the-fuck-ever else are going to put out mindless sugarcoated
crap. That's what pop music is, after all. This list is for the
masters, the designers, the influential forces of music, and some
of the potholes they've left in their wake.
of my yappin' . . . On with the show.
was Neil's excursion into techno and industrial music. Some people
do consider this to be an innovative album, however it seems that
not enough consider it good at all being the fact that it's not
even available on CD in the United States. Seems like the Trans
got stuck in neutral.
24. Dance Into the Light
Phil Collins (1996)
yawn-inducing album was released after Phil Collins left Genesis.
Now we can see who had the true talent.
Calling All Stations
yawn inducing album was released after Phil Collins left Genesis.
Now we can see who had the true talent.
Pete Townsend (2001)
screwed up in the head, no one loves me, yadda yadda yadda. The
lead character on this concept album is an aging rock star who is
sick and tired of putting out crap music, reflecting on how he's
wasted his talent. Remember when you wrote "Hope I die before
I get old," Pete?
The Rolling Stones (1986)
to what some people believe, the true decline of the stones began
after 1981. Even though tracks like "Miss You" and "Emotional
Rescue" were not their, shall we say, strong points,
they still proved they could put out some of the best rock-n-roll
with 1981's "Tattoo You." Of course, after that album,
they released the completely forgettable "Under Cover of the
Night" in 1983. Then 1986 came around and they put out "Dirty
Work." The only half-way tolerable tune on here is "One
Hit to the Body". Although not one of their best songs, it
looks like a freakin' masterpiece compared to the other crap on
this disc. And what's even more amazing is that Jimmy Page and Tom
Waits both appear on this album and couldn't even salvage it from
the junk heap. But the scariest thing of all is on the album cover
where we see Mick, Keith, Charlie, Ron, and Bill in 80's Day Glow
suits! Yep, nothing spells "hard rock" more than Ron Wood
in a fuchsia outfit.
Tin Machine (1989)
was David Bowie's side project. You know it's going to be a good
album when Soupy Sales' kids are playing bass and drums in your
band. (I'm not making that up.) The cover of John Lennon's "Working
Class Hero" is somewhat okay, but when you take into consideration
what's going on with the rest of the album, there's just no hope.
personal note, I really wanted to like this album. Seriously. David
Bowie is one of my favorite artists, and I think Reeves Gabriel
is a great guitarist. But no matter how I tried I just couldn't
find anything likeable on this disc. It's sad, it really is. I guess
Tin Machine was a good idea, but that's what it should've stayed
as - an idea that never came to light.
Deep Purple (1974)
quote: "Ride the rainbow/ Crack the sky/ Stormbringer coming/
Time to die." Yeah. Mmm-hmmm. Thanks for channeling Michael
Moorcock. Now, shut up and play "Smoke on the Water."
album came out the same year that Gary Gygax started getting
our nation's youth to worship Satan. Coincidence? I think
Moby's, like, such a genius, dude! He's, like, a modern day, like,
composer or something. He's, like, all deep, and stuff."
dude, he ain't. Moby broke through in 1999 with the album "Play,"
and proved three things:
very good at covering other people's material.
2.) He's very good at sampling other people's material.
3.) He's very good at taking credit for other people's material.
who thought that Moby was electronic music's messiah, this album
proved otherwise. Even though there is no doubt that Moby has some
talent, even some die hard techno fans would agree that this guy
is just a touch over-rated.
what die hard techno fans would say. I say that this Lex Luthor-looking,
vegetable-munching, tree-hugging hack needs to be run over with
a Buick about five hundred times and thrown off a cliff. But that's
just my point of view.
Pearl Jam (1994)
Oddly, this album came out the same year as Paula Abdul's
"Vibeology". Scholars are still arguing over which one
is better. One thing is clear on this album, and that is Eddie Vedder
is depressed, he hates the attention he gets, and he wants to be
left alone. And he'll say it over and over again until people listen
Frank Sinatra (1980)
is a three part operatic concept piece. The first part isn't that
terrible, but when parts two and three hit . . . Good Lord! This
album is the equivalent of eating Taco Bell. Not bad at first, but
a few minutes later you find yourself searching for a goddamn toilet.
When Ole Blue Eye's starts singing about space and time and life
on Mars and how "Uranus is Heaven" (say it out loud),
one can't help be reminded of William Shatner doing "Lucy in
the Sky with Diamonds."
Done With Mirrors
Not only is this album bad, but it's a double disappointment, considering
the fact that this was supposed to be the "comeback" album
for Aerosmith. After vats of alcohol, tons of pot, gallons of pills,
mountains of coke, and huge amounts of hatred, Steven Tyler and
Joe Perry put aside their differences and reformed the band. After
a short exile, rhythm guitarist Brad Whitford rejoined also. This
was it! This was the album Aerosmith fans waited for! This was going
to be big! This was . . . a piece of shit. Thank Christ Run DMC
decided to do a remake of "Walk This Way" otherwise we
could've kissed Aerosmith bye-bye. Not that that would've been such
a bad thing. The only "mirrors" this was done with were
the ones they SNORTED ALL THE COKE OFF OF!!!
Remember when Santana was cool? Yeah . . . Me neither.
Van Halen 3
Van Halen (1998)
album should've been called "Why, Oh Why, Dear God, Didn't
We Let Dave Back in the Band?! Why! Why! Why!" One has to feel
sorry for Gary Cherone, the third lead singer and innocent bystander
in the Dave v.s. Eddie v.s. Sammy crossfire.
Actually, no. Nevermind. Fuck Gary Cherone. He used to sing for
Extreme. The bastard got what he deserved.
open letter to Eddie Van Halen)
You don't know me, but I was one of your biggest fans. (Stress
on the word "was.") Face it, poncho, you were the shit.
Other than Hendrix, what other person was so identifiable with
the rock guitar other than you? Your opening riff to "Mean
Streets" still boggles my mind!!!
But why are you such a control-freak asshole? We know that Dave's
a jerk-off and you probably won't work with him again. But come
on, dude, Sammy's a nice guy. Bury the hatchet already!!! Just
make peace with him, put some beer in your belly and get up on
stage and shred!
I just don't like the guy you've become, my little Eddie. Coming
from a fan, you really need to pull yourself together. Stop being
an ass, m'kay?
P.S. Although you're a great guitarist, I still say the best thing
you ever fingered was Valerie Bertinelli.
Michael Jackson (2001)
turd from the Gloved One. What makes this sad album even more sad
is that Jackson himself blames the lack in record sales on the record
company for not promoting it enough. Sure, Michael, blame everybody
but yourself. But then again, what else would we expect from an
insane, anorexic, NAMBLA membership card-carrying white chick?
Be Here Now
the Beatles were around in the 90's they'd be Oasis," once
said Noel Gallagher. WHA-HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA! HAAAAA-HAHA HAHAHA!
HA AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHA -HAHA HAHA HAHAHA HAHA AHAHAH!!!!! Oh, God,
Noel! Stop! Stop! You're killing me! My sides! My sides!
I would like Noel Gallagher to be more like John Lennon. And by
that I mean, I would like a crazed fan to come up to him one night
and bust a cap in his hide.
The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking
Roger Waters (1984)
hard to believe that the same guy that wrote "The Wall"
and "Dark Side of the Moon" also turned out this lump
of crap. Eric Clapton appears on the album . . . Not that you'd
positive aspect of this album: There's a hot naked chick with an
extremly fine ass on the album cover.
No World Order
Todd Rundgren (1993)
A post-modern excursion from the same guy that helped produce Meatloaf's
"Bat Out Of Hell?" Dude, I'm there!
This album packs as much punch as an 80 year-old woman suffering
from Parkinson's Disease. There are actually a few copies of this
album for sale on the internet for 75 cents, in case you want to
Having Fun On Stage
Elvis Presely (1974)
Might've been fun on stage but in front of the stereo it was down
right horrible! This album features one of the best singers of all
time. . . not singing a note!
album, although marketed as a live album actually has NO MUSIC ON
IT WHAT-SO-EVER! It's nothing more than a collection of out-takes
from live shows he did in the seventies. Yeah, nothing like hearing
the King asking for a glass of water to get you and your loved one
in the mood. And, in it's infinite wisdom, the record company thought
it best to release not one, but FIVE VOLUMES of this! FIVE FUCKING
VOLUMES!!! What's even more depressing (as if it couldn't get any
worse) is when you hear Elvis bumble around on stage, you're just
reminded of how horrid his last few years were. Really, save yourself
the pain, and just enjoy his Sun Records years and remember the
man the way he should be remembered.
Cut the Crap
The Clash (1985)
Would cutting the crap also include this album? Lyric to the song
"Fingerpoppin'": "This here finger ain't got no ring,
so it gets to point at anything!" Yeah, whatever. I gotta finger
for ya, jackass.
album is not a Clash album. This is a Joe Strummer solo album with
a few members from the Clash to help him out. Mick Jones isn't on
here, some dumbass producer had to go fuck up potentially good songs
with a cheesy 80's drum machine, and the lyrics are boooooooooooooooooring.
But the word "Crap" in the title does suggest what you
might be getting in for, so you gotta give props to the band for
that at least. And when all else fails, this album could come in
quite handy when you run out of toilet paper. Sticking its broken
shards in y our rectum is less painful than listening to it.
The Funky Headhunter
MC Hammer is nothing compared to some of the other artists on here,
but we do have to take into account that Hammer, regardless of what
you or I might think of him, was one of the key forces in getting
rap music into the mainstream. That alone certifies that he's worth
something. But when gangsta rap took over, Hammer revamped his image
and put out this junk. Watching Hammer swap his shiny, over-sized
pants for some gold chains and pretending to be a bad ass was hilarious!
It was kind of like watching Mr. Rodgers in a boxing match.
The Life of Chris Gaines
Garth Brooks (1999)
star decides to take a Andy Kaufman-like personality trip and pretends
to be someone else for an entire album. This was supposed to be
the album that certified Garth Brooks as the greatest single entertainer
since Elvis. (Okay, you can stop laughing.) Gee, Garth . . . Nice
wig, partner. I hope your friends in low places won't beat your
pretty face too horribly after this.
Music From the Elder
love KISS, or you hate 'em. And even though they have many people
who adore them, most KISS fans agree that the band has made some
absolute feco-fests. And this one was the worst. Period.
is flimsy, the music is dreadful . . . However, we do have to give
credit where credit is due. KISS admits that this was a road that
they should not have attempted to go down. It was also stated somewhere
that when Ace Frehley heard a copy of the album, he smashed it!
also, sadly enough, is drummer Eric Carr's first album recorded
with KISS. Can you imagine how the poor bastard felt when he finally
became a member of one of his favorite bands, and ended up turning
Emerson, Lake and Palmer (1971)
Let's see. . . A concept album about a shape shifting toy that looks
like a cross between an armadillo and a tank that battles a half
scorpion/half lion toy for the fate of planet Earth. . . The music
is like Bach played with jazz chord progressions, in odd time signatures,
through a Moog synthesizer. . . Some of the titles of the songs
are "Aquatarkus" and "Manticore" . . . Hmmm.
. . Come to think of it, I see nothing wrong with this album.
Metal Machine Music
Lou Reed (1975)
. . Uh . . . Yeah . . . Nice record, Lou. Now, uh, could you tell
us just what in the hell you were thinking?!
album, believe it or not, was so terrible that the record company
actually sent apology notices out to all of the record stores that
carried it. (I'm not making that up.) The "music" (and
I use that term lightly) is nothing but guitar feedbac . . . and
stuff breaking. . . and guitar feedback. . . and, uh, stuff breaking.
A few years after Reed's monstrous Transformer album, the
record company hounded him for another. Supposedly, in an act of
protest (or perhaps from staying up all night smoking crank with
Thirlwell), Reed gave them this. Standing up for his
artistic right is what kept this out of the number one spot. Reed
is, was, and always will be the type of performer that will inspire
you one second and piss you off the next. And no one knows that
better than Lou himself. But there's a fine line between genius
and stupidity, and all too often, as you can tell by this list,
even the best of the best tend to forget which side of the line
they're supposed to be on.
people who worship Lou Reed hate this album. And even people who
claim to like this album have only heard once!
Imagine yourself sitting in a dentist's chair and having a drill
in your mouth, without novacaine, with rusty nails being driven
into your fingers, with an insane circus clown honking a horn in
your ear while throwing pies in your face for hours and hours and
hours . . . That feeling, is this album.
people consider this to be a great avant-garde masterpiece. But,
then again, some people are fucking stupid.
winner is. . .
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band
(Note: This is NOT the Beatles album.
This is the 'soundtrack' to the film based on the album. The Beatles,
in no way, shape, or form appear on this album. So, relax, okay!)
. . . H . . . Christ. Where does one begin? Could it be Barry Gibb's
testicle crunching voice? Could it be the fact that Peter Frampton
was asked to play a lead role? Could it be that Steve Martin sang
a version of "Maxwell's Silver Hammer"? Could it be that
George Burns moaned and groaned his way through a version of "Fixing
be any one of those! And more!!!
thought it would be a good idea to have the Bee Gees and Peter Frampton
sing Beatles songs should've been shot in the head, set on fire,
cornholed with mallet, and decapitated. Good God, how can you get
past this stinking piece of shit?! Not even contributions from Aerosmith,
Alice Cooper, Jeff Beck and Billy Preston made this "thing"
worth listening to. Yes, there's the cover of "Come Together"
by Aerosmith, but, let's face it, even though it's not bad, it doesn't
compare to the original, and when it's buried in with all of this
other dreck it's not tolerable at all!
its release, RCA Records shipped over 500,000 copies of it, certifying
it a gold record. But after so many complaints, and after so many
people returned it to the stores, the recording industry actually
asked RCA to give the certification back!
though this album is horrid, I believe that it is the fallout from
it that just cap it all off nicely. This album probably helped destroy
more musician's careers in music history. Think about it: The Bee
Gees lost alomst all credibility after this, Peter Frampton had
to pack up his talking guitar, Earth, Wind, and Fire fell off the
charts as did Billy Preston, Jeff Beck only had one really good
album since then, and Alice Cooper went without a hit song or album
for nearly eleven years!
this album, and the film from which it was taken, that helped drive
a stake through the heart of the film musical for a long, long time.
Add that to the fact that they tarnished what is considered to be
the first concept album of all time, one of the best albums ever
made, and the name of the best rock band in history. And that, my
friends, is why it's ranked numero uno as the Worst Album from the
Mention: St. Anger
use any clip art of the new album because I'm in fear of being sued
by the band. In fact, I'm crapping myself for even mentioning their
name. But this album is so friggin' terrible that it has to be said.
kids, back in a mythical land known as the 80's, Metallica was actually
a "band" before they became the "Corporate Lawyer
Bitches." And to think back to how cool they were, to how goddamn
magnificent their albums were. . . That's why this album makes me
hang my head. This album sounds like "new" Metallica trying
to sound like "old" Metallica. Don't let Entertainment
Weekly or any of the dipshits at Rolling Stone fool ya,
my babies. This is NOT a good album. What this is, is a document,
an audio recording of a bunch of ex-alcoholics staring down the
barrel of their mid-forties wondering where in the hell their coolness
went. Ever since 1995, the 'Tallica boys have stated over and over
again that they never forgot their headbanging roots, but with this
offering, they claimed to have "returned" to their headbanging
fellas. Can't return to something you claimed not to get away from
in the first place. From my point of view, this album should be
handed to every band who has just received their record contract
as evidence of what not to turn into in your later years. Sorry
to say it, folks, but it looks like Cliff Burton turned out to be
the luckiest one of the bunch.
list was made by Mike
McHone, a man with too much time on his hands. His
writing has appeared in Flask Fiction, American Zoetrope, and other
places. He lives in Michigan where he writes, reads comic books,
and is waiting to undergo penis reduction surgery.