—KY, NYC (of course)

Not into that? You've been doing a damn good impression of being into it so far. You can't blame her for pushing the envelope when you've been acquiescing so I would suggest framing your refusal in terms slightly softer than, "Are you fucking kidding me?!?" What, exactly aren't you into? Is it the sundress, the pegging or the biker bar? I suspect it is the latter. Your girlfriend has apparently been getting in touch with her masculine side, and liking it enough to want to take it to the next level. You've been wheedled and persuaded (by the good sex) to explore your feminine side. But now we have an entirely new element added: exhibitionism. There is a huge difference between playing dress-up in the privacy of your bedroom and appearing attired in a flouncy chiffon spaghetti-strapped number in public. If that's the crux of your reluctance, suggest a compromise: you'll take the pegging in a sundress (linen, w/eyelets, always a solid choice) in private or you'll bonk in a bar bathroom-dressed as a man. One's lover should always feel comfortable suggesting what turns them on (or what they think might) and has a right to expect their partner to be willing to make an effort to accommodate their desires. But they must also be prepared to proceed slowly and respect their partner's limits. At this point, you've gone beyond what duty requires; a reasonable and considerate lover should accept it if you draw the line at public cross-dressing.

One final point: everyone has preferences that enhance their sexual pleasure but if your girlfriend is unable or unwilling to get amorous unless you are attired in women's garb, a line has been crossed and you are now in the world of fetishism. And that's a horse of an entirely different kettle of fish. Write again, if you want to know more.

In my past romantic adventures, I indulged in a bit of light spanking, but my current girlfriend seems up for much more. She likes to be spanked hard, have her breasts squeezed about as hard as I can or, have me press down on her nipples till they almost touch her back, and she cries with delight when I dig my fingernails into her back. All of this turns me on, and I'd happily do things much harder, but I worry about where to stop.

—SM, also NYC

Ah, where to stop? A question we ask in all areas of life, most easily answered in the realm of Ben and Jerry's: When the container is empty. In the sexual arena, the answer really isn't so complicated either: when one partner says to. Your girlfriend seems to know what she likes and she doesn't seem shy about letting you know she likes what you are doing and that she wants more. It would be reasonable to suggest that she is also capable of letting you know when she's had enough.

This last week I spent a lot of time with my ex-girlfriend, who would like to get back together. She was intent on claiming that we "had sex." I said it was just a matter of semantics, and I didn't want to appear too Clintonian, but I feel, and I work with young kids, and they all agree, that "having sex" means penile penetration of the vagina. I know it is only words, but did I "have sex" if just hands, mouths, and most body parts were involved, but no penile penetration transpired?

Also, as an aside, there is a new woman working in my office. She is dramatically younger but quite sexy. And I just started to think how nice it would be if we could just have oral sex as friends and nothing more...it would just make the day go more quickly. And I would sure look forward to coming to work. Would this qualify as cheating?

—WJC, NYC (formerly DC??)

Hello, Mr. Clinton, good to hear from you. I would have thought that spot of trouble with perjury might have clarified this one for you. The answer to your first query is: It depends on whether or not you are playing "I Never." You see, the rules stipulate that, within the context of the game, "sex" means intercourse. It simplifies things so when someone says, "I've never had sex in a boat" you don't have the guy who once got a blow job in a tethered rowboat one lucky adolescent summer vacation wondering whether he should drink or not. Outside of drinking games, well, it depends on whether you are trying to reveal something or conceal it. For example, when you report to your friends that you "had sex" with someone it is generally understood to mean that you fucked them. But when your wife asks you if you had sex with "that woman" and you say no, but it turns out that you engaged in genital contact, well, most wives and juries would consider that you were lying when you said you had not had sex. If this smacks of a double standard, don't act so surprised. Like there aren't plenty of those where sex is concerned.

Now, in respect to your ass-ide, the answer is short and sweet: Just ask yourself, "Could I tell my girlfriend about this?" If the answer is no, it's cheating. It's not a question of what specific forms of contact constitute cheating in general. Sure, there are norms, but they aren't a foolproof guide in your relationship. The only consideration is: "Do I have to hide this from my partner?" If so, then you're a cheatin' bastard.

My girlfriend claims she has a very sensitive clitoris and she often gets infections from our prolonged lovemaking. At first I found her case of 'honeymoon cystitis" flattering, but now it is becoming a drag. What can I do besides not move much or enter her from behind?

—Clueless in Seattle

First, we need to rephrase your question. Cystitis has nothing to do with the clitoris or its sensitivity. It is a bacterial infection of the urethra and bladder that results from bacteria being pushed into the urethra during sex, and the sex does not have to be particularly rough. It's a question of anatomy, how the vagina, urethra and anus are positioned in relation to one another and how her body fits with yours. Entering from behind, having her on top, and being gentler when you are going missionary may help lessen the recurrences-but so will peeing. The idea is to prevent the bacteria making their journey upwards; flushing them back down is one way to do this. Make sure your girlfriend drinks lots (and lots and lots) of water and that she pees immediately before intercourse and (this is most important) immediately afterwards. Drinking unsweetened cranberry juice will also have a salutary effect. Also consider a pre-sex wash. The coliform bacteria that cause cystitis live in the bowel, hers and yours. A good scrub will reduce the Klingon population on Uranus, if you get my drift. Finally, don't mix anal and vaginal play, with penises, fingers, tongues or toys.

* Initials erratically modified, to protect the definitely-not-innocent