Stop trying so damn hard. If you've spurted once, you can spurt again, but only if you cease to make it your mission in life. Many aspects of sexuality—getting an erection, cumming, finding a mate—are notoriously thwarted by concerted effort. It's counterproductive because, in every case, relaxation is key. So, let your desire to gush like Old Faithful rest for awhile. Mr. Happy Fingers can still poke around the front wall of your vagina as part of a varied menu and, just when you've stopped hunting for it, he'll get squirted in the eye.

Another spray tip: The urethra runs along the other side of the vaginal wall & vigorous rubbing can invoke the urge to pee, causing you to tighten your muscles. Getting to the human fountain stage requires ignoring the false piss signal and not seizing up. You're not going to pee, don't worry. Even if you did, hey, your boyfriend might be into that too.

When I was in college, I thought of myself as a bisexual woman. I was very attracted to female bodies and I still am (during love scenes in movies, I watch the women much more than the men), but I would say I have been with about three times as many men as women.

Since college I have had mostly unsatisfying relationships with men. Also, in the past, I didn't want to have children, but now I do and I just can't see myself leading a "lesbian lifestyle."

But the truth is, my relationships with men are not that great, I love oral sex, and I think I might be happier and more accepted by a woman, but I just don't see myself as a lesbian anymore. What should I do?

—Rachel

Is that your real name or some sort of biblical reference?

A relationship should be about the positive elements it adds to your life, not the negative ones it avoids. Turning to women because you don't like men is a negative impulse so, if that were your only motivation, my advice would be to hold out for a better het match. But you claim to be genuinely attracted to women: their scent, their softness, their curves, their taste, their—ahem, er, you say you really dig pussy. You say your urge to lick clit has lasted beyond the 10 minutes in college every woman spends thinking she is a lesbian. But, ultimately, you want the dick lifestyle: kids, Volvo, picket fence, whatever. Sounds like you need a fling, chickita. Some hot, but temporary, lesbo action. A little renewal to banish that burnt-out feeling. Just don't be a dick; own up about your long-term plans. I guarantee you'll find some takers. In fact, feel free to write again with a phone number and photo.

i have a girlfriend i've been seeing for about 6 months. i'm deeply in love with her and feel comfortable talking with her about everything, including this. i've just never been in this situation and need a second opinion... and i can't ask my friends.

my girlfriend loves very rough sex, abusive sex it feels like to me. i've been in some bad relationships (and made some bad decisions) and have spent years training myself to be gentle, slow, and to communicate everything that's going on, so as not to freak anyone out in the sack. she likes to be ambushed, tied up, strangled, spanked, and forced (not all at once, but the combo seems to please her). She also has a very detailed rape fantasy.
we've tried various bondage play, and some light scene-type stuff, but she always seems to go "well, that was nice..." with the unspoken "but boring" kind of attitude. it's making me pretty sad to not be able to really please her. i'm not able to totally go nuts on her, and beat her up or force her around much. it's just not in my character. but i'm willing to learn.

almost every other aspect of our relationship is great, except i feel like i'm the main communicator in the endeavor sometimes. she'll rarely tell me things without me asking first.

my question: is there some way for a gentle guy to learn how to be an asshole, without wrecking the parts of the relationship that totally rule? i want her to be happy (and i've told her that, about this subject), so i'll be nice to be mean. i've seen lots of books (blowfish is cool) but haven't made a buy yet. can you help?

—Frustrated Whip Shopper, CA

Is your shift key broken? At least this beats the cretins who don't know how to un-engage the caps lock button.

There's a lot going on here. That you're willing to make an effort to cater to her tastes even tho you don't share them means you've got the first, crucial, step covered. Can you learn to love the rough stuff too? Probably not. It sounds like you've tried enough that any latent BDSM tendencies would have manifested. Our kinks are established early and they're pretty much hardwired for life. Finding partners who share them or are, at least, willing to cater to them, is the ticket to sexual bliss. So, can you learn to role-play well enough to pass? Maybe.

So-called "rape fantasies" are one of the most common types of women's sexual fantasies. But terming them "rape" fantasies is a misnomer; I prefer "ravishment" fantasies. The overriding theme in these imaginings is sex without responsibility. They are most common in women whose upbringings have been sexually conservative. The guilt about indulging in sexual pleasure is muted when you can't stop the stimulation. They are not really rape fantasies because the woman is in complete control of the characters. She chooses what they look like, how they behave, exactly what sexual acts they perform on her. A large number of 'rape' fantasies involve cunnilingus, which is notably absent from most reports of actual sexual assaults. The fact that she knows you are really a gentle guy may be one of the reasons she feels safe enough to act out her fantasies with you. (You know the old joke: The masochist says, "Beat me." The sadist says, "No.")

But it sounds like the rape fantasies are just the tip of the whip. You're bedding a full-fledged BDSM fetishist. Expecting you to indulge her fetish in every sexual encounter is not fair. But it sounds like she is unable to enjoy vanilla sex. More power to you if you want to buy books and ropes and bend over backwards to please her. But, if it's not your bag, you will eventually weary of the charade. If you want to maintain the relationship, you've got to agree on some equitable parameters. For example, on weekends you'll go all out and spank till she can't sit down but weekdays you get to be your gentle, vanilla self. For those days when the handcuffs stay in the drawer, suggest she check out some local BDSM clubs. There, she can get whipped to her heart's content without your arm getting tired. Just make sure you discuss what expectations you both have for fidelity and safety. I hear that Consensual Sadomasochism : How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely by William Henkin and Sybil Holiday is one of the best intro books available and talks a lot about safety. Anything that pierces the skin or enters an orifice should not be shared. And asphyxiation games should never be played with people you don't know well. My personal belief is that they are too dangerous to be played at all, which brings me to my final point here: However bizarre or revolting it may seem to those who don't share your kinks, whatever gets you off, whether it's silk scarves or, as I read about recently in Nerve, rolling in bacon, is just fine as long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else.

In rare cases, severely sadistic or masochistic tendencies can cross that line. Most likely your girlfriend is not in this category but, if she feels controlled or limited by her need for brutal sex or simply want to understand it better, some therapy might be of use. Again, I'm not implying there is anything wrong with her or that she needs therapy. It's just another route to self-understanding and, thereby, better sex.

My question is a rather delicate one. My new girlfriend really enjoys maximum penetration sex and begs me to go in the whole way, but I have occasion for pause, as I am very well hung, to say the least, and fear that (a) it would hurt her and (b) I might damage her if I really give her what she longs for...

She, on the other hand assures me that her cervix is her most erogenous zone and urges me forward; so my questions are: How deep into her cervix it—'s safe to go, and how common is this desire in other women?

Sincerely,
Long Dongg

Tell me, Little Schlong, why is it that you men feel compelled to work in a mention of how well-hung you are? You could argue that it is relevant here but I'm noticing a recurring theme of questions whose real purpose seems to be to brag about cock size. Ask your girlfriends to stroke your fragile little egos 'cuz I sure as hell ain't gonna do it.

Based upon a rigorously designed scientific survey, i.e., casing some friends, I have never heard of a woman who finds a cock pounding against her cervix to be anything other than painful. In terms of pleasurable sensations, a cock of ample girth that stimulates the copious nerve ending near the entrance to the vagina, and gives that gratifying sensation of fullness going in, gets the blue ribbon. Length and girth in one package make a nice visual impression but lengthy members may cause women to avoid positions that facilitate deep penetration. However, The Guide to Getting It On notes that some women get off on a long finger exploring their cervix. Like everything else to do with sex, individual preferences differ. So, my advice in this, as in all areas of your relationship, would be to give her what she wants. Maybe she wants damage; perhaps she likes it to hurt. Have you thought of that, Mr. Vanilla? More likely, she gets off on the idea of you being as deep inside her as possible. Vaginal length and angle vary, so she may be built for it.