—Looking for a Buzz

Oh, c'mon, be honest with yourself: if you weren't bored numb by Mr. Straight Laced, you wouldn't need a buzzing buddy in the bedroom too.

The foregoing is bullcrap. But you are right that it is what may go through what passes for hubby's mind when you introduce Mr. Tonka Toy (remember that Sam Kinison skit?) to your bedroom repertoire. Some truly confident and together men (no, that's not an oxymoron; they do exist—see below) welcome sex toys as just another tool to enhance mutual pleasure and in no way an indictment of their lovemaking skills. In fact, CAKE, the trendy NYC sex club whose raison d'etre is women's sexual empowerment, recently asked men how they felt about the battery-powered threesome. A refreshing number waxed rhapsodic about why they considered the vibrator their friend. Reasons cited included the fact that their partners were more interested in sex, more physically aroused and guaranteed to orgasm. This last point resonated with many men because it eliminated the potential obstacles of tongue tiredness or ejaculation before their partner was satisfied. Most gentlemen want their partner to cum every time and the vibrator obviates the whole "will she or won't she before my tongue falls off?" worry. Watching a woman masturbate is also a nearly universal male turn-on and several men said they gave their partners vibrators in hopes of awakening latent exhibitionist tendencies.

Sadly, there are some men who will see calling in a specialized penalty-taker as a way of saying you don't think they can shoot on target. As in everything else to do with relationships, the word is communication. Let him know that the vibrator, as with any other sex aid, from lube to dildos to passion fruit sorbet, is simply a way to enhance both of your experiences. Does he think ice cubes or chocolate syrup mean he is an inadequate lover? In literal fact, the vibrator will enhance his pleasure if you press it against your clit or insert it in your ass while he is fucking you.

The reason there is no Consumer Reports study rating vibrators is because they were unable to recruit volunteers. . .not! Upon receiving this query, Mistress Rowena was willing to undertake this arduous task herself - all in the name of public service, of course. But visions of acquiring a statistically relevant sampling of vibrators were shattered by the harsh reality of price tags. If Dan Savage offered to test sex toys, he'd be inundated with free samples from companies hoping for a mention in his column. <sigh> Perhaps when we are syndicated. . .

In the meantime, if asking mom or a bud for a rec isn't an option, I can refer you to a few resources: Good Vibrations (www.goodvibes.com—check out their antique vibrator museum) and Toys in Babeland both do a buzzing trade in vibrators. Their websites feature detailed product descriptions and photos, noting the best sellers and including customer reviews. The aforementioned CAKE proffers a list of recommended vibrators in their CAKE Approved Products section (www.cakenyc.com). The world's best-selling vibrator is an "outie" called the Hitachi Magic Wand. What's an "outie" you say?

Vibrators cum in two categories: "innies," which are meant to be inserted into the vagina, and "outies" which are. . . mmmmm. . . pressed. . . huhhh. . . (sorry, can't find the damn "off" switch) against la clit. The number of models, styles and colors is truly staggering, like buying a digital camera, although I am not yet aware of any vibrators that feature a direct interface to your webcam. Wouldn't surprise me though. There are hands-free models, battery and AC options, and combo models, like the cute "outie" rabbit whose ears can be used as an "innie." If you were a big Peter Rabbit fan as a child, this might be the vibe for you. Mistress Rowena finds that she sleeps better at night when she doesn't think about that one too closely.

Final word to the wise: remember thy partner's prostate! Don't dismiss the idea of using your battery-powered friend on your man. An "innie" in his ass while you fuck him, blow him or jerk him off, or an "outie" against his perineum, will garner you foot massages every day for a month. It will also help him turn any insecurities about your use of a vibrator during lovemaking into, "Honey, I'm home, and I've got fresh batteries. . ."

When my partner and I (rarely) have sex, I truly and utterly cannot feel a thing—my penis feels (or not) like it's completely nerve dead. Oral, anal, or vaginal, as far as I'm concerned it might as well be either end of a wine bottle, since it involves me about as much. She likes it, but it is exceedingly difficult for me to be even remotely interesting in bed when it doesn't do anything for me at all. (For clarity: I have no problems getting aroused/an erection, but I literally feel nothing no matter what). My partner is stumped, and both our doctors couldn't doctor their way to a foot cream; is there anything to be done?

—Dead Bored

Call an undertaker. If, and this would surprise me greatly, you have a pulse, call a shrink.