Hi. I'm in a really nice relationship right now. The only thing I have to complain about is my boyfriend's inability to hurt me. I tend to like rough sex play and he doesn't mind me hurting him. He actually is starting to enjoy it now. But he's still timid when it comes to putting me in any kind of pain whatsoever, even when I ask for it. Can you give me any suggestions on how to coax him into this?

—Frustrated in Washington, D.C.

Did it ever occur to you that the reason you are frustrated is because you live in Washington? It's the political equivalent of L.A.—all image, with a collective IQ of about 69. And you have to be pretty kinky to outdo your esteemed elected representatives in the sexcapades dept. Maybe your boyfriend feels it's a lost cause before you even start. Or maybe he gets soo whipped on the Hill everyday that he's just not up for more of it at night. Try moving him to Oklahoma or Kansas.

If that's not a practical option, remind him, and yourself, of the basic rules of sexiquette:

1. If you want something, ask; don't expect your partner to intuit that you've always wanted to be covered in peanut butter and marshmallow fluff.

2. If your partner asks you to try something that doesn't completely repulse you out of hand, try it once. Note: there is a blanket exemption for all things scatological.

3. If you dig it, great; it's a win-win scenario. If it doesn't make your socks go up and down yet doesn't make you projectile vomit either, do it for your partner.

4. If your partner agrees to indulge a preference of yours that does very little for them, be fucking grateful and don't insist on it every time you get busy. Even licking Nutella off his cock could lose its charm if you had to do it every single time you had sex.

That should cover the general; now for the specifics of your situation, you kinky little slut. "Nice" guys can be uncomfortable with the idea of hurting women. There are strong cultural taboos against it and heavy sanctions for doing it ("she asked for it" tends to go over poorly in court). In order to help your boyfriend overcome this psychic barrier, explain to him that you are in complete control of the situation, that you will tell him to stop if it hurts too much. And if he doesn't respond immediately, you will rip long ribbons of skin from him with your nails. He may be afraid to explore the dark side of himself that might enjoy hurting you and even be concerned that he might not be able to stop. Reassure him that it is rare for people who are not on strong pharmaceuticals to lose control in that way, that many couple practice consensual rough sex, bondage, and S/M for years without ever going beyond either partner's boundaries.

He may also find the idea that you want to be hurt disturbing. In very extreme cases, it can be a sign of deep-seated psychological issues with sex—like the people who cut themselves because they are so out of touch that they need to experience pain in order to feel anything. But it sounds to me like you are a normal girl who just likes rough sex. And it sounds like you have already begun to initiate your boyfriend into exploring that fine delicious line between pleasure and pain. Remind him that he enjoys a little hurtin' now, too.

Finally, take it slow. Get him to stroke your ass, then work up to spanking. Ask him to suck your nipples, then keep saying, "harder!" for awhile before you eventually ask him to bite. Request good old-fashioned hickies (in unobtrusive places, if you don't like feeling 14 again) before you ask him to use his mouth more forcefully. Beg him to lightly hold your arms or legs down and writhe against the restraint. Your moans and sighs and "yes"s and "oh, god, that's good!"s when he does something right will be a huge turn-on for him. That's really the key: seeing how much pleasure you derive from his rough play will encourage him to repeat the experience.

So, what have we learned? Take it slow, make it a progression, show how much you enjoy it and don't demand that he play rough every time you bump uglies.

Dear Mistress Rowena,

I just read you response to Looking for a Buzz regarding vibrators. I have a specific suggestion: the eroscillator. It is also an "outie" and unlike the The Eros Therapy thingie the FDA just approved ($300!!! You need a prescription!!! What is this; Texas?!) it is affordable and accessible. I have one, and it is fantastic. I especially love that it was a Christmas Present from my boyfriend (we use it together).

Sorry to sound like an advertisement, but I love that sucker! If I had 3 wishes, that'd be the 2nd; that everyone in the world could have one. The first wish would be that every kid in the world had a copy of It's Perfectly Normal. Knowledge is power, and that book is fantastic. Look for it at your local library.

Love your column!!

—The Laughing Librarian

Thank you for the, er, plug. It's even endorsed by Dr. Ruth. I will refrain from making any comments about how it's probably the only sex partner she has had since the Truman administration.

Librarians are the kinkiest people. I should know: I've been one! It's the ultimate black lingerie under demure sweater, vixen in a bun and glasses look that gets me hot.