A
restaurant critic named Eric
Asimov has a pretty nifty "$25-and-under" column
in the New York Times, in which he reviews some of New York's
less expensive eateries. Though we have the utmost respect for Mr.
Asimov's gastronomical skills, apparently his cushy job at the Times
has shielded him from the harsh financial realities we underpaid wage-slaves
have to deal with. To be honest, we can't afford to pay $25 for dinner.
In our restaurant reviews, we're going to clue you in to dirt-cheap
places to eat in various New York neighborhoods.
So, whether you're craving grease and salt after blowing the money
you don't have on a bellyful of beer, or you just want to get a cheap
lunch after getting pierced on St. Mark's, for our first column, we
present to you some non-McChoices in the East Village:
1.
Falafel House
32 St. Mark's Place, between 2nd and Astor Place (opposite Bull
McCabe's)
(Formerly Caesar's Falafel)
Cinderella Falafel
129 2nd Avenue between St. Mark's and 7th
Falafel
may well be the perfect food. It contains three of the four major
food groups: grease, salt, and hot sauce. (That all-important fourth
food group, booze, is not halal.) It's always served by a smiling
Turkish guy. It's cheap, it's filling, it tastes good, and it costs
about three bucks. We recommend the massive Super Falafel at Falafel
House, washed down with one of their homemade iced teas (we think
it's Lipton). At Cinderella, be sure to get one of their Turkish
coffees ($1.50). It may look like mud, but it's about a million
times stronger than the "espresso" they serve down the
street at Whorebucks.
2.
Burritoville
139½ 2nd Avenue between St. Mark's and 8th
(Other locations scattered throughout the city)
Sure,
with its cheesy Mexican movie posters and extensive collection of
exotic hot sauces, Burritoville may look expensive. While it's true
the Route 66 burrito with its deliciously greasy vegetarian chorizo
costs a heart-stopping $5.95, there are cheaper options. For instance,
you can get one or two tacos $1.75 or $3.75, and load up on the
free nacho chips and salsa. Plus, there's all the free water you
can drink. The food is made fresh daily, and the quality shows-Burritoville
kicks the ass of Taco Hell, Fresco Tortilla, and the other Mexican
chains in the city (possibly because it employs actual Mexicans.)
An extra little touch of authenticity is the taste of Montezuma's
revenge you get when you're done.
3.
Pommes Frites
123 2nd Avenue between 7th and St. Mark's
Things
in Europe are just like here, but different, y'know? For instance,
they eat their French fries with mayonnaise. Surprisingly, this
recipe for a heart attack is friggin' delicious. A note of warning,
however: Six pints of Stella Artois, a large frites, and a tub of
war sauce may induce some disagreeable sensations. Also, a diet
consisting only of tubers and grease may lead to severe nutritional
deficiency. However, forewarned is forearmed, and four-armed is…
that statue of the Indian diety they sell in the Tibetan store next
door.
4.
Soup Burger
36 Broadway at Astor Place
It
is what it says: Soup. Burger. Cheap. Yum. To reports of hair in
the food, we only say, "extra protein!"
5.
The Kiev
Corner of 2nd Avenue and 7th
Goodbye,
old girl. We'll miss you. Where
will we ever eat breakfast after waking up and finding our penises
missing now?
5.
Kai Kai Kai
Avenue A between St. Mark's and 8th
"Kai
Kai Kai" is apparently Thai for "curry is your friend."
The food is best in this strong-smelling hole-in-the-wall early
in the day. The pad thai is pretty good, but stay away from anything
containing coconut milk. Some things don't improve with age...
About
the writer: Eric Rice is CORPORATE MOFO's half-baked restaurant
critic