One
of the most insidious effects of our 9-to-5 world is what I like to
call "desk spread." In other words, pushing pixels all day,
with only a break to load up on high-carb corporate cafeteria food,
tends to make one's ass expand at an exponential rate. There's nothing
anyone can do about becoming old and bald, and we can't pick your
clothes for you, but you do have some control over your physical condition.
Besides,
regular exercise just gives you an entire attitude adjustment. There's
a certain sense of superiority in looking at your pale, pudgy boss
and knowing that, if it came down to it, you could easily beat him
at arm wrestling. Think of Kevin Spacey working out in his garage
in American
Beauty, finding suburban empowerment, and telling that
human resources consultant to fuck off. Think of that scene in Fight
Club where Ed Norton kicks his own ass. That's
balls, ladies and gentlemen, and you don't get them sitting on the
couch eating Doritos and drinking bad American beer.
Unfortunately,
the most common options for exercise are somewhat, pardon the pun,
run of the mill—nothing a true CORPORATE MOFO reader would
be caught dead doing. Jogging outdoors can be fun, if you don't
mind the taxi cabs, bicycle messengers, January blizzards, repetitive
stress injuries from pounding on asphalt, and occasional serial
rapist. You can join a gym, where you can make like a hamster on
an exercise wheel on some machine designed by the Spanish Inquisition.
Besides, why pay someone to imprison you in a cage for even more
hours out of the day? You can join a sports club, where you can
be made to feel small one more time in your fun-packed day by some
jerk yelling things he heard NBA players say, like "in your
face!" or "All your base are belong to us!" as he
sends a squash ball hurtling towards your gonads. Or, you can join
the Y, where you can bathe in other people's intestinal parasites
in the over-chlorinated pool.
The
subversive solution? Make a choice for body and mind, where you
can make friends, learn to kick ass, and live out your Crouching
Tiger, Hidden Dragon fantasies. Learn a martial art. Unlike
pointless activity on the treadmill, in a martial art you actually
learn to do something. It's a skill, and one that could save
your life.
Martial
arts are a particularly wise choice for women: Our society encourages
women to be shallow, dependent, fearful, and weak. Martial arts
teach spirituality, self-reliance, courage, and strength. Plus,
no one can tell how big your ass is in those unflattering uniforms.
Therefore,
out of a list of hundreds of potential candidates, here's what we
consider to be the cream of the crop of martial arts schools in
New York. There are others, such as the New York aikikai aikido
dojo, several excellent kung fu schools, and various boxing or kickboxing
gyms we could mention, but we chose these based on personal experience.
If you have an addition, e-mail us their information and why you
think we should include it.
World
Seido Karate
61 West 23 Street
212-924-0511
(other branches around the city and worldwide)
www.seido.com
Perhaps
the finest karate school to be found anywhere, Seido was founded
by 9th-degree black belt and Japanese national hero Tadashi Nakamura
back in the 1970s. The main branch on 23rd street is a two-story
dream dojo, the instructors are top-notch, and Senpai Angel's Thursday
night conditioning class will get your ass into shape faster than
anything else on earth. Despite the fact that the top people in
the dojo are really frightening, beginners are given a fairly slow,
compassionate introduction into the Way of the Empty Hand. Also,
there are no contracts, and tuition is quite reasonable.
The
biggest pro, as well as the biggest detriment, is that Seido is
very much a traditional Japanese budo, or martial way. This means
that huge emphasis is placed on ethics, rightful conduct, and spiritual
development. It also means that the school is highly structured,
and the teaching style is geared to large classes. However, you
won't find a better karate school anywhere.
Martinez Academy of Arms
330 Broome Street
(201) 330-8670
www.martinez-destreza.com
Fencing
may conjure up the Three Musketeers more than it does Bruce Lee,
but European swordsmanship is a martial art, too. Never mind those
fanboys in costume in Union Square Park: This is the real deal.
Maestro Ramon Martinez and his wife Maestro Jeanette Acosta-Martinez
teach the sword in the tradition and spirit of the days when an
angry Frenchman might smack you with a glove and challenge you to
cold steel at dawn. Plus, they also teach rapier and other almost-forgotten
historical weapons as they have come down to us in the twenty-first
century.
If
you ever saw yourself in Zorro's mask, just can't give up those
swashbuckling fantasies, or simply want to learn a really cool and
esoteric martial art in a relaxed yet disciplined environment, the
Martinez Academy is for you.
C.K. Chu Tai Chi
156 West. 44th Street
(212) 221-6110
www.chutaichi.com
Just
as fencing may make you think of Renaissance faires, tai chi may
make you think of old fogeys in the park. Not so-just check out
Jet Li in "The Tai Chi Master." Tai Chi is a dynamic and
effective martial art that places emphasis on economical, relaxed
movements. Plus, you get to give that ol' chi a workout.
Master
Chu comes highly recommended. He teaches the flowing Yang style
of tai chi, and his school has classes ranging from basic forms
to advanced sparring.
New York Naginata Club
White Street Fitness Center
43
White Street
(Sundays 1 to 3)
http://members.bellatlantic.net/~jpro/nync/homepage.htm
Speaking
of rare and wonderful martial arts, New Yorkers also have a unique
opportunity to train in naginata with Kyoshi Yamauchi Sachiko. What's
a naginata you ask? Well, basically, it's a sword blade at the end
of a long pole. Traditionally a woman's martial art, naginata is
ideal for anyone looking for something new and unique to study,
or who just likes large sharp objects.
Yamauchi
Sensei has an impressive bio. She teaches both atarashi naginata,
a new style designed for teaching in public schools, and old-style
tendo ryu, which is a battlefield art. (For more on the difference
between old- and new- style Japanese martial arts, see Koryu
Books' Web page. It's run by Diane Skoss, one of the
foremost authorities in the field.)
Daito Ryu
Sherlock
Holmes knew jujitsu; so should you. Daito ryu is another one of
those old-tradition Japanese martial arts, albeit one that's getting
quite popular these days. A grappling art, it involves throws, locks,
twists, and a little swordsmanship. It somewhat resembles a hardcore
version of aikido, and rightfully so, since the founder of aikido
was a noted daito ryu exponent, as well.
The
New York daito ryu dojo meets Saturday mornings and Monday evenings
in the Korean church on the south side of St. Mark's Place, between
first and second. For more information, see www.daito-ryu.org.