Thank God for Team America: World Police, the marionette-o-vision Homeland Security drama from South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone opening nationwide October 15. This movie is more than just therapy for anyone who has missed nights of sleep trying to decide between Empire and Appeasement or allowed their girlfriends to drag them to see Before Sunset: It is a moral vision of America's future delivered by two of our nation's finest political thinkers. It also makes your breath fresh, your teeth whiter, and teaches children their multiplication tables.

Much like Before Sunset, the film opens in Paris, where puppet artists, puppet bicyclists, and puppet exchange students go about their daily business, totally oblivious to the four bearded Muslims placing a beeping suitcase in a public fountain. (Parker's and Stone's knowledge of Arabic seems limited to "dirka dirka Mohammed jihad dirka dirka," but that's all right: We didn't mind the fact that the Jews in The Passion of the Christ weren't speaking accurate Jew Talk when they killed Our Savior, or that Ethan Hawke only spoke English in Before Sunset, did we?)

Fortunately for France, Team America—Aryan marionettes decked out in red, white and blue spandex who kind of look like the Brady Bunch when they had their own variety show—arrive to save countless Parisians from destruction. "You in the robes," shouts one Team American from the red, white and blue helicopter. "Put down the Weapon of Mass Destruction. You're under arrest." The puppets, which have names like Chris, Sarah, Joe, Lisa, and Carson, proceed to fire rocket launchers at the terrorists, obliterating the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre and half of Paris—which is, I'm sure, what we all wished Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy had done in Before Sunset.

With all the Arabs seemingly killed—and Parisians left in a state of shock and awe—Carson proposes marriage to Lisa. Hilariously, one of the terrorists climbs out of the fountain and shoots Carson in the back of the head.

"I feel. . . so cold. . ." Carson says before collapsing in Lisa's arms, as the camera fades to black. Now, if only someone had shot Ethan Hawke in the back of the head in Before Sunset so he died in Julie Delpy's arms, it would have been a MUCH better film.

The next scene opens with Broadway actor Gary Johnston performing in "Lease: The Musical," singing, "The Pope has AIDS and so do you / everyone has AIDS / the gays and the straights / the whites and the spades / everyone has AIDS." After the show, Johnston is approached backstage by Team America's bald, wheelchair-bound leader, Spottswoode, who explains, "Every single minute of every single day, the terrorists are plotting to kill you and everyone else who enjoys this free country. . . We need an actor talented enough to convince the terrorists that he's one of them." (I know what you're thinking, but this isn't a plot hole: Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy weren't available. And Parker and Stone needed to save the puppet Sean Penn for later.)

Spottswoode and Johnston fly to Team America's hidden base—deep within Mount Rushmore—where the latter undergoes intense cosmetic surgery to appear Middle Eastern (which means a doctor tapes hairballs to his chin and smears dirt across his face, which makes him look like Ethan Hawke in Before Sunset).

"You're going to fool everyone, Gary," Spottswoode exclaims. "Or should I say, 'Achmed.' "

In Hollywood, Alec Baldwin's Film Actors Guild—F.A.G.—votes an award to Before Sunset and protests Team America's tactics and unilateral imperialism. "We believe the world needs compassion," Baldwin says on the ABC World News Tonight with Peter Jennings. Additional FAG voices join Baldwin's chorus, including Tim Robbins ("It's all corporations! Corporations!"), George Clooney, Liv Tyler, Janene Garofalo ("If we read the newspaper and then say what's inside, it'll sound like we have opinions!"), Susan Sarandon, Helen Hunt, Sean Penn ("Iraq was a happy, sunny place before Team America! There were rainbows and bunnies and chocolate rivers!"), and, of course, Ethan Hawke, who was brilliant in Before Sunset.

Of course, according to the ever-accurate Drudge Report, the real-life Penn actually wrote an open letter to Parker and Stone on October 6, not so eloquently opining: "You guys are talented young guys but alas, primarily young guys. . . encourag[ing] irresponsibility that will ultimately lead to the disembowelment, mutilation, exploitation, and death of innocent people throughout the world. All best, and a sincere fuck you, Sean Penn." Sean Penn, of course, knows all about the horrors of disembowelment, mutilation, exploitation, and death. Not only do we have it on good authority that he's seen Before Sunset, he was once married to Madonna. (Esther was Ken's great-grandmother's name. We will run Madonna over with a truck before we let her use it. She's already disgraced Catholicism, why can't she leave our religion alone?!)

Meanwhile in "North Korea, Asia," pudgy dictator Kim Jong-Il meets with Arab terrorists, devising a plan to destroy the world. Unfortunately, United Nations inspector Hans Blix arrives at the royal palace. "Hans, Hans, Hans, we've been through this a dozen times," Jong-Il says in the most over-the-top "flied lice" accent imaginable. "I don't have weapons of mass destruction. You're breakin' my balls here, Hans."

Naturally Blix warns Jong-Il about the consequences of giving WMDs to terrorist organizations. "We will be very, very angry," Blix says, "and we will write you a letter about it." In response, Jong-Il feeds Blix to his "killer sharks," played here by catfishes that look enormous compared to the marionettes. "How do you like that, Hans Blix?" Jong-Il screams. "How do you like that, you cocksucking piece of shit?" (It could have been worse: he could have made him watch Before Sunset.)

Unaware of Jong-Il's plans, Team America jets to "Cairo, Middle East," accompanied by the Metallica-esque theme song, which you'd never find in a movie like Before Sunset and which we would like to see covered by Strong Bad:

America! Fuck yeah!
We are good! Fuck yeah!
Freedom is good! Fuck yeah!
Terrorists, your game is through
So lick my butt and suck my balls

Dressed in Muslim headgear, Johnston walks into a suspected terrorist cantina. "My name is Achmed and I'm a terrorist," he tells everyone inside. "Anyone know of any good terrorist attacks happening soon?"

Of course, the terrorists are suspicious of Johnston and a deadly firefight breaks out. After narrowly escaping, Johnston and teammate Lisa engage in the most vulgar puppet sex scene ever filmed—the sort that you'd wish attractive flesh-and-blood people like Ethan Hawke and Julie Delphy would have finally have gotten around to in Before Sunset, but nooooo. (Parker and Stone narrowly missed the NC-17 rating by deleting a golden shower shot, but the marionette sex is still astonishingly filthy. We expect marionette-fetishist Web sites along the lines of Furries to spring up in 5. . . 4. . . 3. . .)

Due to Team America's failure in Cairo, terrorists manage to blow up the Panama Canal in "Panama, South America (3,000 miles south of the Real America)," killing a lot of people holding bananas. Naturally, Alex Baldwin, Ethan Hawke, and FAG place the blame on Team America. A corpulent marionette representing Michael Moore, covered in mustard and screaming, "Take down the fascists," sneaks into Team America's Mount Rushmore headquarters and sets off a suicide bomb strapped to his chest. Unfortunately, the real Michael Moore does not explode, but he is covered in mustard.

With their base destroyed and world opinion raging against them, Team America spends the rest of the movie trying to stop Jong-Il and an unwitting Alex Baldwin from destroying civilization. Unlike Before Sunset, which just kinda fades out, Parker and Stone end Team America with a grand finale, which includes a celebrity massacre that makes American Psycho look like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles [except that Brett Easton Ellis, Marty's predecessor in pretentious boy-genius writerhood, didn't write TMNT, a couple of stoners from Northampton did -ed.], and which features one of their priceless "You know, I learned something today" monologues, delivered to the world by Johnston.

"There are three kinds of people in this world," Johnston says. "Dicks, assholes and pussies. We're dicks, and the rest of the world are pussies. But sometimes an asshole comes along and wants to shit all over everyone, and the only kind of person who can fuck an asshole is a dick, because pussies are just an inch away from being assholes themselves." (Diplomatically, Johnston concedes, "Sometimes dicks fuck assholes at inappropriate times, and they need pussies to guide them in the right direction.")

Fuck, now there's a political platform right there. If John Kerry had just gotten up during the debate and said those words. The whole race would be game over, man! It's brilliant! Fuck Steven Spielberg: Parker and Stone are the true moral voice of Hollywood. Why couldn't Before Sunset have dialogue like that?!

Parker and Stone strive to offend everyone possible with Team America, and they've succeeded beyond their wildest dreams: Bitchy P.C. liberals will be shocked at how little this film resembles Before Sunset, while social conservatives will gasp during the explicit (hetero- and homo-) puppet sexuality and violence. Independent viewers, however—those who haven't seen Before Sunset and do not hold to rigid ideology—have nothing to fear from Team America. It's easily the best movie since Before Sunset.

Except, of course, for Before Sunrise.