Cut to a screen shot of the video game. The announcer says something like, "Real llamas aren't much fun, but this llama is a blast!"

Translation: real reality sucks; buy our virtual reality instead.

Not to be outdone, TV is weighing in with its so-called "reality TV," shows which throw together a bunch of people who would never associate with one another in real life, then film their reactions to painfully contrived situations. The great granddaddy of these was MTV's absurdly titled "The Real World," which filmed the trials and tribulations of a bunch of good looking, self-absorbed teens who can't stand each other but are trying to live together nonetheless. More recent, and certainly more popular, was the Robinson Crusoe-inspired "Survivor," in which contestants demonstrate survival skills by backstabbing each other in "tribal meetings," which resemble office politics more than they resemble than the highly structured societies of real tribes.

This last fall, Fox pulled out a brand new asinine premise which it plans to use as its latest entry in the reality TV arena. "Temptation Island," which should perhaps have been called "Narcissism Island," puts four supposedly committed couples on an island with a horde of sexy singles who will try to break them up. Reality what? If this is your reality, you gotta e-mail me and tell me how you did it, cause I gotta tell you, being "trapped" on a tropical island with a ton of beautiful women who all want me is pretty fucking far from the reality that I wake up to every day.

I think there's an assault on reality going on here, and you don't need any fancy conspiracy theories to guess at the motivation. Real reality is free; all you have to do is open your front door, and BAM, there it is, in full Technicolor, complete with audio, tactile, and olfactory interfaces, and you didn't even have to spend one thin dime. Virtual reality, however, involves a lot of high tech equipment and software which you must buy; the people who make and market these remarkable little gadgets have a vested interest in convincing you that real reality is inadequate, slow, and, well, boring.

And there are forces hard at work, trying to make sure that real reality becomes as boring as possible. The Department of Labor has recently released a new regulation which permits employers to deny medical coverage to employees who sustain injuries in recreational pursuits, which can mean motorcycling, running, climbing, surfing, or just about anything other than sitting at a desk. [Martial arts! —ed.] And if people don't get enough exercise because they're afraid to go outside and run? That's OK, because it sells more treadmills, which is good for the economy.

And if the treadmills are too boring, and we turn into a nation of fat slobs? That's OK too, because the cost of bypass surgery is offset by the benefit that chronically ill people are more dependent on the system, thus more predictable. It's good for the drug companies, it's good for the tax revenue, and goddammit, it's just nice to know that all the fish are swimming in the same direction, without having to be corralled like stampeding buffalo.

The alternative is just too messy; thrill-seekers giving up the office to go hang-gliding, big hairy outlaws on loud two-wheeled machines boozing it up at rallies. . . It's unsanitary is what it is; we need rules, we need order, you'll thank us for it later.

Don't worry, we'll give you so many special effects to dazzle your eyeballs that you'll forget about the wind in your hair in no time at all. . .

That's the future, folks. They're selling it, and so far we're falling all over ourselves to buy it. But I think it's worth a good, hard look at where all this is ultimately headed, and we ought to think very carefully about whether we really want to end up there.

p align="center">Reverend J. can be reached through his Web site, www.rideforever.org

Posted January 1, 2002 10:51 PM