Sex and Other

Drugs and
Rock 'n' Roll

Media and

Society (and

Politics and Other


Casual Fridays

Rantings and

In and Out:
Sex Advice from our Staff Dominatrix

Employee of the



Who We Are

Write for Us!

Invest in Anti-

Play Our Theme Song
by Simon Inns
(MP3 format; 1.5 MB download)

Donate to the Cause!

No, really, I mean it


Why I Would Literally Kill for Hannah Montana Tickets


by Sarah, Age 6



I would literally kill for Hannah Montana tickets.

I know what you're thinking. "Oh, the precious little moppet. She doesn't know what she's saying!" Or, perhaps, "I wonder if her mother read this essay before she submitted it to our contest?"

Please allow me to strip away your illusions. I know what "dead" is. I'm remarkably precocious for my age. I ought to be, what with my parents playing me Mozart in the womb and putting me on the waiting list for the prestigious Haute Ecole des Jeux des Enfants pre-preparatory school three years before they tried to conceive me. When Fluffy the class hamster suddenly turned from tan-with-white spots to buckskin, I knew it wasn't due to "hamster molting." It was because Fluffy's little corpse is mouldering down in the incinerator room where the teachers go to smoke pot while we're in gym—pardon me, interpretive movement—class. Fluffy's not coming back. Sort of like Daddy isn't coming back, though that was because he decided to run off with his secretary, for whom, oddly enough, he is able to maintain an erection.

Nor am I a stranger to violence. The boys in our class aren't allowed to point their fingers at one another and say "bang," but let me tell you, there are some people whose brains I wouldn't mind splattering around the schoolyard with a nine-millimeter Glock. That bitch Anastasia Silverstein, for instance.

Let me tell you what real violence is. It's when some girl—let's say, for the sake of argument, Anastasia Silverstein—is allowed to take one friend to see Hannah Montana and informs her coterie of cronies that they were no longer allowed to talk to me. Voila, here I am, a first-grade pariah.

For those who are still harboring some illusions of the innocence of childhood, let me introduce you to the dog-eat-dog world that the modern grade school has become. If you want to be in the right group, you have to have the right tokens of status that the International Toy Fair has spit at us for the season. When my brother Brendan was my age, all the junior stock traders were investing in Pokemon futures. Now it's those stupid Hannah Montana tickets, like the ones that Anastasia Silverstein's father plunked down five grand for. Mommy gets her Manolo Blahniks, Anastasia gets her Hannah Fucking Montana tickets, Mr. Silverstein doesn't get served with divorce papers.

And don't tell me it's not important or that I'll forget about this when I'm "all grown up." Without being in the right clique in grade school, good luck getting invited to the good parties in middle school, and then just try getting the part in the high school musical, getting onto the soccer team, and getting into Harvard. Those admissions officers have been bred like bloodhounds for six generations to smell "loser." And just try keeping up that 4.0 grade-point average: Studies have shown teachers don't like the unpopular kids, either. Shit, girlfriend, you'll be lucky to avoid an eating disorder.

And so, let me reiterate: I would fucking off someone for Hannah Montana tickets. I don't even like the bitch's hoi poloi country-music BS. Nope, this is just for the bragging rights. And to rub that whore Anastasia's face in it.

So, come on, Disney. You must have made some enemies. Tell me who you want me to kill.


Sarah can reload the 9mm clip all by herself!

Posted December 31, 2007 11:32 AM




I doubt this was written by a first grade child. First of all, the picture above the byline makes her look about 15. I guess with all of the beauty pageants for toddlers I shouldn't be surprised, but that's another story. I also have a hard time believing "Anastasia Silverstein" is a real name. If you are Anastasia Silverstein's parents I don't mean any disrespect, but that's the worst most fictitious name ever. And, there are speech patterns in here that first grade girls have probably never heard, like Hannah Fucking Montana. Do adults talk like this around her? Or does she learn this from other kids whose parents talk like this around them? Either way, it seems like something that would have a stop put to it before it got to a web site like this. As for that, how does a first grade child get permission to post a blog on a website called "corporate mofo"? Someone really needs to take a better look at their security/access rights procedures. You can't just allow access for everyone who clicks the "Let me in" button, you need to establish need-to-know first. Anyway, I'm suspicious.

Posted by: Suspicious at December 31, 2007 5:42 PM

Everyone point and laugh at the above comment.

Posted by: Ken at December 31, 2007 5:59 PM

Ha Ha! Satire is above you.

Posted by: Nelson at December 31, 2007 6:04 PM

The picture above the essay is Hannah Montana

Posted by: you're retarded at December 31, 2007 6:13 PM


Posted by: Amy at December 31, 2007 7:10 PM

I loved the essay, but the first comment outshines it like a nuke from outer space (just to be sure)!

Posted by: Jason at December 31, 2007 7:26 PM

The picture above is of Hannah Montana herself; just for those who don't know. I sure wish I didn't know that, when i think about it. Anyway, even if it isn't written by a 6 year old, it's still hilarious and depressingly true. Kids are ruthless.

Posted by: Noah at December 31, 2007 7:29 PM

I think the first comment might just be a part of the satire, hmmm?

Posted by: GetRlz at December 31, 2007 9:57 PM

It wasn't the kid's fault, put the blame where it belongs. The idiot mother.

Posted by: richard at December 31, 2007 10:15 PM

If you didn't get the first comment, the satire is above YOU! Hahahahahaha!

Posted by: deepfriedcheese at January 1, 2008 1:40 AM

Good satire is always depressingly rooted in some bitter truth.

Posted by: Paula at January 1, 2008 3:10 PM

This is the greatest thing ever. THe story just gets better after the first comment!

Posted by: ME at January 4, 2008 8:01 PM

u rock bitch

Posted by: Ben & Jessica Copeland at February 16, 2008 7:14 PM



Copyright 2001-2010
Powered by
Movable Type 3.33
Logo design by Molitorious