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The one question more important than health care


But Are They Good For the Jews?


by Tristan Trout



Whether or not a particular public figure is Good For The Jews is serious Pesach dinner-table conversation in my family. Their Jew-rating is usually predicated not on their politics or views towards social justice, but on two much more important factors: Their support of Israel, and their hostility towards universal health care (because my family, save for me, is a bunch of Mercedes-driving doctors). Nixon, for instance, is thoroughly approved of because he supported Israel. I can imagine our beardy shetl-dwelling ancestors hiding from the Cossacks and having the same argument about Napoleon: "Well, he's plunged all of Europe into war and resulted in the deaths of half the men in France, but he's Good for the Jews!"

The following, then, is my family's scorecard:

Clinton: Bill wanted Israel to make concessions to the PLO. Put her in the White House, and he'll be right there undermining Eretz Yisroel. Also, she supports expanding health care, which will cut into my uncle's urology practice. Verdict: Not Good For The Jews.

Obama: Sure, he SAYS he supports Israel. BUT he's buddies with Jeremiah Wright, Jr., who's all into that anti-Semitic liberation theology crap, and he once listened to Edward Said give a speech. Plus, he has a Muslim name and he's a schvartze. Verdict: Not Good For The Jews.

Edwards: Made his money suing doctors. Verdict: Not Good For The Jews. We're glad he's out of the race, and we don't want to see him as Vice President.

McCain: We're not really sure what this guy wants. He did say he wants to end the war, but he also voted to continue it. On the other hand, he opposes torture. So, if there was a nuclear bomb hidden on Delancey Street, he wouldn't pull someone's fingernails off to find it? If there's one thing Jewish history has taught is, it's that sometimes it's OK to torture people. Verdict: Not Good For The Jews.

Romney: He's a Mormon, and they baptize Jews ex post facto, which is worse than Hitler, who just wanted to kill us. Massachusetts passed mandatory health care under his tenure. Verdict: Not Good For The Jews. We're glad he dropped out.

Giuliani: Made New York safe for real estate. His platform is essentially making war without end on the Muslim world, and calls Israel "brand-name" security. Nine out of ten West Bank settlers say he's Israel's best choice. Really, if you're not guilty of terrorism, you'll have nothing to fear under his duce-dom. We want McCain to make him Vice President, and then die. Verdict: Good For The Jews.

Huckabee: Evangelistic Christian who believes Israel must exist for the End Times to come. Doesn't really give a shit about socialized medicine. Wants to build a wall across the U.S.'s southern border to keep the Pakistanis out. If there's one thing we Jews like, it's walls, wailing, West Bank, or otherwise. Verdict: Good For The Jews.


Tristan is still Jewish

Posted February 7, 2008 10:53 AM




Hey, but what about Gandalf guy?

Posted by: Evgeniy (Ukraine) at February 8, 2008 4:57 PM

Geez, and I thought I was hard on the Black people I was raised by. But Man, you take the gefilte fish (געפֿילטע פֿיש). By the way, the Black equivalent of gefilte fish is fried okra (kigombo), which is slimey and tasteless and slides down your throat like snot (kind of like my family's politics, which amounts to voting for anybody who migt select Condoleeza Rice as a running mate. But really, though, family is like a cold sore--you keep your mouth shut and hope nobody notices them and holds them against you. My complements for your having the balls to fully express a critical but also comical disapproval of the old folks. Best, Ray

Posted by: Prof Ray Waller at September 17, 2008 5:56 AM



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