Sex and Other

Drugs and
Rock 'n' Roll

Media and

Society (and

Politics and Other


Casual Fridays

Rantings and

In and Out:
Sex Advice from our Staff Dominatrix

Employee of the



Who We Are

Write for Us!

Invest in Anti-

Play Our Theme Song
by Simon Inns
(MP3 format; 1.5 MB download)

Donate to the Cause!

It's not as easy as protecting your truck


How Governor Palin Can Keep Her Internet Tubes Safe


by Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska)



The Internets are all lit up about Governor Palin's Internets being "hacked," as they call it - or so my aides tell me. The cyber-ruffians, or "hackers," have invaded her sacred privacy like so many Federal fraud ivestigators. Pictures of her family have been posted on Gawker, together with private e-mail addresses. This is particularly grave crime, since every teenage boy in America not only knows that Bristol puts out, but that you don't have to worry about knocking her up.

I realize that many of you see me in particular and Alaskans in general as a bunch of out-of-touch, penguin-fornicating, moose-shooting, retarded-offspring-having, inappropriate-gift-taking, non-cyber-saavy rednecks. This is not true. There are no penguins in Alaska. Penguins live at the South Pole. (Also Marty Beckerman hails from this great state. But he's a Jew, so he doesn't count.)

Furthermore, this is my 40th year in the Senate. Far from being a senile old geezer, I am as an experienced wolf who has survived many seasons of being shot at from helicopters. Few living politicians, save perhaps for Ronald Reagan, can make such boast. Therefore, my experience on the matter of Internet hacking may be of some help.

What our esteemed Governor Palin failed to recognize is that the Internet is a series of tubes. It's not like a truck, where you can just take the keys and maybe put The Club on the steering wheel. The Internet Tubes go everywhere, like Bugs Bunny taking a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Your best bet for cyber-security, therefore, is to disconnect your computer from the Internets when you are done using them. A good way of doing this is to unplug it from the wall. You should also unplug your toaster, microwave, and TV, since the hackers may try to get into your computer that way.

However, some Internets today can also travel through the air like Alaska mosquitoes. These "wi-fi" Internets, also like Alaska mosquitoes, can be the most dangerous. Also like Alaska mosquitoes, citronella spray does nothing to keep them away. What you need in this case is a shotgun, about 12-gauge, loaded with buck shot. Don't use bird shot; that just makes the 'skeeter mad. Wait until you hear the characteristic buzzing, and then shoot the Internet box. This is why the Second Amendment is our God-given right.

Some people might say that the Internet tubes can also be blocked. However, as a pro-life advocate, I can not endorse blocking your tubes. Keeping tubes open is God's will. Under no conditions should Governor Palin get her Internet tubes tied. Instead, she should keep on pumping out oddly-named Christian babies to fight in Iraq, breed the next generation of Christian babies, and/or be wards of the state.

Another option is to keep your Internets in a safe and only take them out when you intend to use them. This is what I have my staff do. At the end of the day, all of our computers and our Internets go into the big safe in the office. They complain loudly, but I just tell them, at the end of the day, it's the only way to be sure.

After all, somebody might look in your files to see how much you spent to renovate your house.

Hey, in my experience, it's been known to happen.


Ted Stevens is the senior Senator from Alaska. He is a noted authority on the Internet tubes and butterscotch pudding.

Posted September 18, 2008 3:28 PM






Copyright 2001-2010
Powered by
Movable Type 3.33
Logo design by Molitorious