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Lost in translation


The English-Bush Lexicon


by Ken Mondschein



Like all good Americanians, we at Corporate Mofo support our President, George W. Bush, absolutely 110%. After all, much as in the movie Independence Day, he, and his skills with a fighter jet, are the only things standing between us and scary, landmark-destroying aliens! The same goes for the members of his cabinetry: We pray daily for the welfare of Vice President Dick Cheney's left ventricle, and that the wisdom of Solomon may be visitated upon Attorney General John Ashcroft, and also for a Constitutional amendment so that Arnold Schwarzenegger may become President after President Bush's second term.

Yet, we are recognizing that there is a communicationating gap arising between our government and the people of our country. Often, the White House's policies am not making much sense to the American peoples. So, to make the messages more clearer, we are here presenting a guide explaining President Bush's policies to the pubic-at-large.

"Defense of Marriage": Marriage is a beautiful thing between a man and a woman. Unfortunately, many womens are having their babies out of wedlock, and the babies are being adopted by QUEERS. To defend the marriages and keep the babys away from the gays, our President is proposing encouraging them to get married to the fathers of their babies. (Just one of the fathers, though.) They should stay married even if the father beats her and is drunk all the time and gives her AIDS, since children need a father. Also, one of the faith-based programs can help them find Jesus, and Jesus can stop the drinking. Not the AIDS, though, since AIDS is a GAY DISEASE and Jesus HATES GAYS.

"Faith-based": The purpose of the government is not to help the poor stupid peoples who don't have jobs. The purpose of the government is to help the ECONOMY. So, the people should go to the churches for help! Jesus loves you, but the government's job is to kill terrorist Iraqis and get their oil!

"Homeland Security": Do you ever wonder why the government needs to keep a computer file on you and look in your bum before you get on an airplane? Well, this is necessary to keep our country free of TERRORISTS and DRUGS. However, they will still let in nice things like ILLEGAL MEXICANS, who we can let work at good jobs cleaning the floors at Wal-Mart. God bless America!

"Enemy Combatant": An enemy combatant is a terrorist! By calling them an "enemy combatant," President Bush can lock bad people away in his dungeon under the White House forever and ever, or until the rats eat them! Enemy combatants include members of al-Quaeda, American citizens who support al-Quaeda, swarthy foreigners, American citizens who hate America, and Howard Dean!

"Healthy Forests Initiative": America's forests are sick, as President Bush discovered in his courageous trip to California when it was on fire last summer. The Healthy Forests Initiative will let President Bush's friends make the forests better by cutting down all the trees. No trees = no fire!

"Clear Skies": Our skies are dirty! Dirty with LAWS that stop people from making money! This law will help clear the skies of laws that stop people from making the pollution that keeps our economy strong! This won't stop global warming, though, because there's no such thing as global warming.

"Economic recovery": This is how our wise and all-knowing President is going to help all the starving heathen childrens in India by taking all of America's extra jobs and shipping them to Bangalore. American workers will then be freed to become entrepreneurs and help our economy become more stronger!

"Give industry a say": Nobody knows business like business! This is President Bush's idea to ask business how to help the economy improve by asking them how to run it! We're not sure how this is different from previous policy, though!

"Operation Iraqi Freedom": This was when our President made the Iraqi people more free by capturing their evil leader and letting the U.S. military run their country and his corporate friends run their oil fields! The Iraqis were so grateful they're giving us back all their explosives, one at a time! Then President Bush flew to Baghdad for Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings! I bet on Groundhog Day he'll fly another TOP SECRET mission to Iraq to see if Saddam Hussein sees his shadow when he comes out of his spider hole! But look out! If he sees it we'll have another six weeks of WAR!

"Howard Dean": The Antichrist. Howard Dean is a BAD MAN! He's angry all the time and he doesn't like guns and he EATS BABIES! He hated Jesus because his wife is Jewish and she hates Jesus and his kids are filthy Jesus-hating Jews, too! Also, "Howard Dean" is today's Secret Word, so, remember, everyone, when you hear the words, "Howard Dean," scream real loud!



Yes, all the typos were intentional. E-mail



Posted January 19, 2004 5:07 PM






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