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Thrash Band Slayer Awarded Congressional Medal of Honor


by Tristan Trout



To kick off his new "medals for metal" program, President George W. Bush today awarded a special Congressional Medal of Honor to the thrash band Slayer in a special ceremony before the assembled houses of Congress.

"You young men are an example to us all," said President Bush, who was still sporting the black eye accidentally given to him by a drunken National Poet Laureate Ozzy Osbourne at a state dinner last week. "Albums such as Seasons in the Abyss and Reign in Blood are what keeps our nation strong. Let the enemies of America know that we shall never be defeated, so long as we are defended by 18-to-20-year old men armed with automatic weapons and mind-blastingly loud heavy metal. Every time I hear lyrics such as, 'Sport the war, war support / The sport is war, total war / When victory's a massacre / The final swing is not a drill / It's how many people I can kill,' I just thank God for such inspirational music."

"Dude, this so totally kicks ass," said Slayer founder Kerry King. "Like, we got to ride in this, like, military jet, and there were these choppers following us. . . and I got to drive a tank!"

"It's so cool that they gave this shit to us, instead of those pussies from Megadeth," added co-founder Tom Araya. "Also, I got a hummer from Jenna. At least, I think it was Jenna. It might have been Barbara. Or it might have been John Ashcroft. I dunno. I was pretty drunk."

Whereas some critics saw the awarding of the medal as a political gesture meant to reach out to the nation's metalheads, who have been accusing the administration of racial profiling ever since last week's detention and accidental incineration of the band Anthrax, officials were quick to defend the move.

"Sure, they're a little meshugeneh," said Secretary of State Colin Powell. "But so was Westmoreland. Without these boys' contribution, we would have never been able to convince our troops to, time and again, use our nation's superior firepower to decimate entire third-world armies—with, I should add, the loss of hardly any of our own men."

First Lady Laura Bush, who was seen to have imbibed a few too many cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon at the following reception, offered another explanation for the award: "Slayer is on the PMRC's hit list," confessed the First Lady. "And, honestly, I'll do anything to piss off Tipper Gore. I hate that bitch!"


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Posted February 7, 2002 1:51 AM






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