To kick
off his new "medals for metal" program, President George
W. Bush today awarded a special Congressional Medal of Honor to
the thrash band Slayer in a special ceremony before the assembled
houses of Congress.
"You
young men are an example to us all," said President Bush, who
was still sporting the black eye accidentally given to him by a
drunken National Poet Laureate Ozzy Osbourne at a state dinner last
week. "Albums such as Seasons in the Abyss and Reign
in Blood are what keeps our nation strong. Let the enemies of
America know that we shall never be defeated, so long as we are
defended by 18-to-20-year old men armed with automatic weapons and
mind-blastingly loud heavy metal. Every time I hear lyrics such
as, 'Sport the war, war support / The sport is war, total war /
When victory's a massacre / The final swing is not a drill / It's
how many people I can kill,' I just thank God for such inspirational
music."
"Dude,
this so totally kicks ass," said Slayer founder Kerry King.
"Like, we got to ride in this, like, military jet, and there
were these choppers following us. . . and I got to drive a tank!"
"It's
so cool that they gave this shit to us, instead of those pussies
from Megadeth," added co-founder Tom Araya. "Also, I got
a hummer from Jenna. At least, I think it was Jenna. It might have
been Barbara. Or it might have been John Ashcroft. I dunno. I was
pretty drunk."
Whereas
some critics saw the awarding of the medal as a political gesture
meant to reach out to the nation's metalheads, who have been accusing
the administration of racial profiling ever since last week's detention
and accidental incineration of the band Anthrax, officials were
quick to defend the move.
"Sure,
they're a little meshugeneh," said Secretary of State Colin
Powell. "But so was Westmoreland. Without these boys' contribution,
we would have never been able to convince our troops to, time and
again, use our nation's superior firepower to decimate entire third-world
armies—with, I should add, the loss of hardly any of our own
men."
First
Lady Laura Bush, who was seen to have imbibed a few too many cans
of Pabst Blue Ribbon at the following reception, offered another
explanation for the award: "Slayer is on the PMRC's hit list,"
confessed the First Lady. "And, honestly, I'll do anything
to piss off Tipper Gore. I hate that bitch!"
Headbanger
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