It's been well stated here on this Web site, and well discussed here and in locker rooms and Penthouse Forums across America. This idea that men have the God-given right to screw two women at the same time. I say if ya can do it, do it! I did. And it was fucking awesome. Especially since the girls were bisexual, which eased the burden a little. You can come up for air now and then with bisexual chicks. But there's definitely a jealousy factor you're gonna have to deal with. It's like being a TV station during campaign season. Gotta give equal time to both candidates. So get your Viagra (I prefer ginseng root myself) and listen to a true story that sounds a lot like a made-up story of how I screwed two girls at the same time and then my Jewish mother tried to ruin it.

Now first things first, I know what you're thinkin'. Jewish? Tex Missouri is Jewish? I didn't know there were any Jews from Texas. Or Missouri. Well, I'm pretty sure there's gotta be Jews in Missouri, especially since there's Jews in Afghanistan. And I am absolutely sure there's Jews in Texas, cuz I was one. Still am, Jewish I mean, but I'm no longer a Texan, if by Texan you mean "currently residing in the state of Texas." Anyway, there are Jews in Texas, or there was when I last checked for 'em, and some of us were, or one of us was, engagin' in 3-way sexual escapades with 18-year old nubiles. And somewhere in the background was lurkin', like a kugel-hungry variety of the chupacabra, the Jewish Mom, doing her best to sabotage what would have been the SINGLE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

I was lucky enough at 17-going-on-18 years old to be dating a girl named Darcy who looked like she walked out of the pages of those magazines I was always whacking off to. Somehow I turned on the charm and came up with a bag of pot all at the same time, and found myself with a gorgeous girlfriend. Looked like she belonged at Hef's place she did. But she was with me. And we screwed a lot. She was probably half a foot taller than me, and at least 20 pounds heavier than me, 'cuz I was a shrimp. Some say I still am, but back then, I definitely was—really skinny and really bony and really short. Darcy used to complain about my hipbones being so sharp on her inner thighs that she didn't need to shave there any more.

Well she had told me from time to time about some lesbian encounters she had in her past, and at some point I did the unthinkable. I actually asked her for a threeway. Well, actually, it wasn't just like that. Darcy, you gotta understand, was a girl who liked to please in every way she could, and she knew what a little pervert I was. So among all the other stuff she'd do for me, which I won't be divulgin' here today, she would occasionally tell me stories of her walk on the Sapphic side, and I pretty much didn't do much but ask questions and listen. But in the back of my mind I was thinkin' and thinkin' hard, pardon the pun, on the sticky question, pardon the pun, of how to get the two of 'em into the sack at the same time.

Now I had never seen Darcy's girlfriend. But I figured if Darcy was with her, she must be some kind of hot. So the planning began. And I knew the moment to strike the exact instant it showed itself to me. It was springtime and the hormones were comin' out in full bloom all over the great state of Texas, and my birthday was comin' up, and Darcy asked me what do you want for your birthday. My answer gentlemen, is not something I would suggest you try. For most men, it'll get your teeth kicked in, and a quick ticket to the doghouse for an indefinite stay. You might even lose the girl over it. But so self-absorbed was I that I just asked for what I really wanted. And such was our relationship that she agreed to it on the spot. She didn't tell me that she had agreed to it, but in her mind, she said yes at that instant to herself, then out loud asked me, "No seriously, what do you want for your birthday?!" And then I must've come up with one of my plan-b choices for a birthday gift, just glad she hadn't gone ballistic on me.

Well the fateful day came, a Sunday I believe. She invited me to her place and—surprise surprise surprise—there was the other girl. No, I don't remember her name. Yes she was purty. No, not as purty as I thought she'd be. No I didn't care that she wasn't as purty as I thought she'd be. She could kiss great. And other stuff too. Great. And it was a constant turn-on to be alternating fucking, licking, getting sucked, or sucked and licked, or doing some fucking and doing some licking at the same time, or licking someone who's licking someone else. I'm not gonna spell out all the goddamned combinations for you, goddammit! Figure it out yourself! It's a threeway with two fully bisexual girls and me! You took Geometry! Shit!!!

Anyway after about 14 hours of this non-stop fuck-a-thon. . . remember I was just turning 18. . . remember when you were just turning 18 numbnuts? Always hard. Always. I had decided at some point that day to play hooky from work. I worked as a stockboy at a women's shoe store. Who the fuck needed that when I had a once-in-a-lifetime memory in the making?! I was honestly trying to find out how much fucking it takes to kill a man. I mean, if I had a foot fetish, that'd be one thing, but I don't!

Well, apparently my boss called home to find out where I was and why I wasn't at work, and he spoke to my mother. Now my mom took it upon herself to find my phone book and start calling everyone I knew in attempt to find me and get me to Do The Right Thing And Go To Work. So she spent I don't know how long going through all my contacts, and eventually the phone at Darcy's place rang, and Darcy picked it up and told me, "It's for you." I said, "What do you mean it's for me. Nobody knows I'm here!" With that I grabbed the phone.

"Hello?" This was the sound that came back. . . at volume eleven: "MITCHELL DANIEL BOONE TEXAS MISSOURI WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!!!!"

"i'matmygirlfriendshouse."

"WELL AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK??!!"

"wellyeahbuti'mnotgoingintoday"

"WELL YOUR BOSS DOESN'T KNOW THAT. HE CALLED HERE ASKING WHERE YOU ARE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK. ALL THIS TIME—I—THOUGHT YOU WERE AT WORK. DO YOU REALIZE I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK. I'VE BEEN CALLING ALL OVER TOWN FOR YOU. YOU DIDN'T COME HOME LAST NIGHT. YOU BETTER GET HOME RIGHT NOW. NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU BETTER GET TO WORK RIGHT NOW WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A JOB, AND THEN YOU BETTER NOT COME HOME, CUZ YOU ARE GONNA BE GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE!!! NOW GET TO WORK RIGHT THIS INSTANT." (click)

"Uh, Darcy, and you, umm, you too. . . this has been great but I really gotta go now. I'll call you after the parole board hearing, okay. Love you, Darcy."

Threeway sex with teenage lesbians is a beautiful thing. But Jewish mothers must always be obeyed.