Justice Scalia has nightly wet dreams about writing this opinion. O happy day, when the sun will shine brightly on our majestic purple mountains and words like democracy and freedom will ring out in our spacious skies!

Have I submitted to our patriarchal overlords and accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior? Not bloody likely (although I once had a near-religious experience when someone was worshipping my feet and sucking my… never mind). Have I simply taken leave of my senses? Quite possibly, as this election was enough to drive anyone full-blown bat-shit crazy. But stick with me for a minute here. The fundies have been an increasingly crucial part of the New Right since the Republicans got in bed with the televangelists, and fundies played the decisive role in this election.

What was the number one issue affecting voter choice at the polls? Was it Iraq? The war on terrorism? The economy, stupid? Healthcare? Social security? Nyet, comrade: it was moral issues. The gay marriage referendums in 11 states (all of which passed overwhelmingly) brought the frothin' fundies out in rain, sleet and snow because life as we know it would end if the gay couple who've been living together for 55 years could put a legal stamp on their union.

But the gay marriage thing is relatively recent. Overturning Roe v. Wade has been the fundie vendetta for over 30 years. It provides the "litmus test" for all federal court nominees and it is the one issue that political candidates cannot dance around to their electoral advantage: you're either with us or against us. The fact that abortion is legal and OH MY GOD, MILLIONS OF INNOCENT BABIES ARE BEING KILLED EVERY YEAR gets fundies to the polls like a hot poker up the arse. No matter what else is going on in the world (a world they are willfully ignorant of unless their preacher mentions it on Sundays), this is their number one electoral issue. Fer Chissakes, even the Catholics, historically not always in lockstep with the fundies, pronounced it a sin to vote for Kerry thanks to his stance on abortion rights.

So let's give 'em what they want and send 'em home. Let's overturn Roe v. Wade and see if they remain as virulent an electoral force. Won't they find other moral issues to thump their Bibles about next election? (Do you think, "thumping your Bible" could catch on as a new euphemism for masturbation?)

Sure as sugar on your clit will give you a yeast infection, of course they will. Next they'll want a constitutional amendment banning abortion nationwide. They'll continue to hound gays and lobby for prayer in schools. They'll seek to replace evolution with creationism in the classroom, reduce availability of contraception and demand laws that require women to submit to their husbands.

And that's just for the midterm elections: The fundies are one of the most organized elements in the polity and they would take any victory as a mandate to overhaul the country into a theocracy. They've got their shit together, even if it stinks to high heaven. So, there isn't a hope in hell they'll go back to their homeschooling and patriarchy and leave government the fuck alone. But a supposed victory of this magnitude would take their attention off the national government temporarily while they lobbied the red states to pass laws banning abortion (the ink on many of which will have dried before the Supreme Court finishes announcing the opinion). Then they'd have to go to work on the blue states, which should keep them occupied until hell freezes over and the devil goes ice-skating with Jerry Falwell.

What's more, pursuing a national ban on abortion would force them to violate the states' rights/limited federal government principle they so belligerently assert as a reason for why it should be legal for states to ban abortion. I know, I know, they are not afraid to lie in bed with hypocrisy, in fact, they blow it, suck it and fuck it every night while they lobby for a gay marriage ban.

But I am convinced that the fundies are not as homogeneous as they appear when abortion is on the table (mmm, fried placenta). No other issue unites all of the different denominations, not to mention the Catholics, although faggots and lesbos come close.

And overturning Roe v. Wade will wake up any liberals who are still living in caves and DIDN'T BOTHER TO FUCKING VOTE LAST WEEK. HELLO?!? YOU MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED BUT THE WORLD JUST ENDED! WAKEY, WAKEY! Pro-choice voters are more heterogeneous (though not more heterosexual) and less ideologically-driven than the fundies. It's much easier to get people motivated when they want something than when the law is already on their side.

Many pro-choice voters cannot remember a time when abortion was not legal and the continual clamor of the anti-choice protestors has been little more than an annoying fly, buzzing at the edges of the smelly muck heap of politics. They have been lulled into complacency by the cries of wolf when Reagan was elected, then Bush. I recall that a wake for abortion rights, complete with coat hangers, was held on my campus when Bush, Sr. succeeded Reagan. It turned out to be a bit premature. The backlash following the overturning of Roe might, dare we contemplate it, produce a constitutional amendment guaranteeing the right to make any and all reproductive choices, ending the perennial issue of judicial interpretation.

The last, and most strenuous objection to this deviant strategy must be the question of what would happen to abortion rights. The psychological ramifications of overturning Roe would suck ass but, as for the practical effects, sadly, most of the states that would immediately outlaw abortion currently have few or no abortion providers, so their residents already need to travel long distances to obtain abortion services. For example, 86% of US counties have no abortion provider. Eighty-nine out of 320 metropolitan areas have no abortion provider. The entire state of South Dakota has one freaking abortion provider. The average distance traveled for an abortion is 50 miles.

To those that say an underground railroad would develop to transport needy women to blue states, I'm telling ya, it already exists. Also, only a few states cover abortion for Medicaid recipients, so most poor women carry their unintended pregnancies to term even though they can least afford another mouth to feed. (That's why Mickey D's has value meals.) These figures may vary slightly from year to year but the point is that access to abortion in the red states is already quite (read: pretty fucking) limited.

I am willing to entertain the possibility that I could be wrong, and that certainly doesn't happen every fucking day but, what are our other options for victory in 2008?