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Because America Needs Better Porn
 
   
 

 

The Porno Jim Show


 

by Tristan Trout

 

 

A long, long time ago, in a New York far, far away, it used to be that within the radius of a few blocks, you could see Linda Lovelace doing her Hoover impression, get a bag of crystal meth, and get a $5 blowjob from a crack whore with no teeth. Alas, successive regime's "quality of life" initiatives closed down the smut huts, forced the streetwalkers off the streets, and made New York safe for Donald Trump to build condos. It was always a façade though: The Big Apple is still rotten to the core—you just have to know where to look, and have the money to pay for it. Porn hasn't been driven out-it's been driven upscale. Smut is no longer dirty or subversive; it's just another consumer experience there for the purchase.

In a way, it makes perfect sense. After all, everyone likes sex—and most people, or at the very least all men (except for Promise Keepers and Creed fans) like porn. We're all consumers—of other people's sexuality, as well as of our own. And, as a consumer of vice, you have choices. The problem is, most porn is just awful. So, how to choose what you're going to squeeze off a few tadpoles to?

That's where Porno Jim comes in. Think of him as the Consumer Reports of smut. A former pornographer himself—he used to do photography for quality publications such as Leg World, Big Butt, Up The Skirt, Porn Free, and Extreme Fetish—Jim is like the helpful sommelier telling you that no, you don't want that Pinot du Choad '89 to go with the steak tartare. An hour of the Porno Jim show is like a magical mystery tour of the adult movie industry, showing you the good, the bad, and the just plain ass-ugly. Want to try to get your girlfriend to watch with you? Try Jenna Jameson's Dreamquest, kind of like Legend or The Neverending Story, but with magical silicone boobs. (Unfortunately, the soundtrack still sounds like Tangerine Dream.) Want post-feminist porn that'll make Andrea Dworkin's toes curl? Try Tristan Taormino's Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, Part I. In the mood for something classic? The Opening of Misty Beethoven is an oldie but a goodie. Jim and his lovely assistant Carin are like the Siskel and Ebert of smut, except that it ain't the thumbs that are going up.

Best of all, it's educational—or so Jim claims. After all, what better way to learn to fuck, then from the professionals?

Porno Jim is playing at Cinema Classics, at 332 E. 11 Street in Manhattan. Bring a date. After all, with a guy with a name like "Porno Jim," how can you go wrong?

 

Save our smut. Write to editor@corporatemofo.com



Posted September 28, 2003 3:53 AM

 


 

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