A long,
long time ago, in a New York far, far away, it used to be that within
the radius of a few blocks, you could see Linda Lovelace doing her
Hoover impression, get a bag of crystal meth, and get a $5 blowjob
from a crack whore with no teeth. Alas, successive regime's "quality
of life" initiatives closed down the smut huts, forced the
streetwalkers off the streets, and made New York safe for Donald
Trump to build condos. It was always a façade though: The
Big Apple is still rotten to the core—you just have to know
where to look, and have the money to pay for it. Porn hasn't been
driven out-it's been driven upscale. Smut is no longer dirty or
subversive; it's just another consumer experience there for the
purchase.
In a
way, it makes perfect sense. After all, everyone likes sex—and
most people, or at the very least all men (except for Promise Keepers
and Creed fans) like porn. We're all consumers—of other people's
sexuality, as well as of our own. And, as a consumer of vice, you
have choices. The problem is, most porn is just awful. So, how to
choose what you're going to squeeze off a few tadpoles to?
That's
where Porno
Jim comes in. Think of him as the Consumer Reports of
smut. A former pornographer himself—he used to do photography
for quality publications such as Leg World, Big Butt,
Up The Skirt, Porn Free, and Extreme Fetish—Jim
is like the helpful sommelier telling you that no, you don't want
that Pinot du Choad '89 to go with the steak tartare. An hour of
the Porno Jim show is like a magical mystery tour of the adult movie
industry, showing you the good, the bad, and the just plain ass-ugly.
Want to try to get your girlfriend to watch with you? Try Jenna
Jameson's Dreamquest, kind of like Legend or The
Neverending Story, but with magical silicone boobs. (Unfortunately,
the soundtrack still sounds like Tangerine Dream.) Want post-feminist
porn that'll make Andrea Dworkin's toes curl? Try Tristan Taormino's
Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, Part I. In the mood for
something classic? The Opening of Misty Beethoven is an oldie
but a goodie. Jim and his lovely assistant Carin are like the Siskel
and Ebert of smut, except that it ain't the thumbs that are going
up.
Best
of all, it's educational—or so Jim claims. After all, what
better way to learn to fuck, then from the professionals?
Porno
Jim is playing at Cinema
Classics, at 332 E. 11 Street in Manhattan. Bring a date.
After all, with a guy with a name like "Porno Jim," how
can you go wrong?